The MacBook rotated so the built-in camera focused on me. The tiny green power light next to the lens felt like a laser boring into me.

DEL

Hey out there. I’m sorry if I’m not as polished as my sister, this is new to me. The camera and saying the stuff I’m about to say. I’m here of my own free will, though. No one is making me do this. It’s important that you know that.

I don’t know how to make this fancy, or do a good lead-in—like I said, not polished. So, I’m just going to say it. I’ve been lying about losing my virginity for two years. I’m a virgin. I’ve never even come close to having sex.

[quick cut—removing the footage of me hyperventilating—the video resumed]

I pretended I wasn’t a virgin because not being one felt expected. So many of the guys and girls at my school talk like they’re porn stars in training. Like they know all about sex because they watched some Lindy Blue videos. It was embarrassing to feel like the only person who didn’t know what they were doing. And maybe—maybe—I could’ve found someone who was willing to help me lose my virginity for real, but this thing happened in my town. If you’ve been watching my sister’s channel, you know what I’m talking about. A lot of new moms, and babies, and everyone around us freaking. Honestly, sex got scary to me.

I kept pretending I wanted to do it. I’d go on double dates with my best friend, and find something I didn’t like about the girl so I’d seem picky, not afraid. Then—this is the worst part—I made up all these unfair expectations for a girl who I thought was a virgin, too. I made her this ideal instead of a human. We were meant to be together when the timing was right. Then I tried to make the timing right by engineering all these dumb schemes, and more lies, and really being the kind of guy that—that’s not good for anyone.

I hurt feelings, and caused problems, and I’m trying to tell anyone out there who’s feeling the sort of thing I felt, and you know it’s not right, then you can turn it around. Like I did. With help.

See, I joined this group of people who also weren’t interested in having sex yet. They became my really good friends. Though I was still pretending, and scheming, and being an overall asshole, I feel like I’m able to admit my wrongdoing now, partially because of them.

This is me baring my soul. Confessing my sins. It’s okay if you’re scared about anything in your life. It’s not okay to lie and manipulate to hide those fears. I know that now. I’m better for it. I hope me telling my story helps you find ways to be better.

And—listen—I know this may not be for everyone, but I couldn’t wrap this up without giving you the opportunity to make the same sort of connections I did so I could be what I think is a 1,000 percent improved Del.