Remember, babe, I actually don’t know Lisa all that well. You were the one that said she was a dyke. Maybe because she’s pregnant, she has an urge to have a husband suddenly. Honestly, she wasn’t that hot of a fuck. I mean, to me it seemed like I was fucking a straight-out man-hating lesbian. Three-ways seldom work. They involve too much tension and jealousy unless everyone is drugged and drunk out of their minds. Or complete degenerates. Anyhow, Lisa wasn’t into me all that much and—whatever else you say about me—I’m an experienced lover. Man, then she stands on her head after I came in her. That was kind of strange, no? She must really want a kid to let my greasy lips press against her own. She wouldn’t French. But standing on her head? I thought I had seen it all until that one. Don’t get jealous again. (Read a Ben Franklin book and eradicate that emotion from your personality.) Personally, my guess is that this is a temporary thing with her. Most men don’t want to marry a woman carrying some other guy’s kid, you know? This guy will get sick of her, I’m sure of it. Anyhow, keep me informed. If I didn’t have such high self-esteem and such supreme confidence, she would have made me feel like a reptile. So, fuck her.

Satan

to: CC14

re: Tears on My Pillow

date sent: November 3, 1999

Heh heh! I told you she was a dyke! She was just getting even with you and it got out of hand. That is why it is so essential that you care for and maintain the wicked web on a daily basis. Lisa is just a satellite. So don’t act overly thrilled because she cried her heart out to you. Show some frost.

Yrs,

Duke

P.S. How did you give her seven orgasms? I mean, are you a couple of Chinese acrobats all of a sudden? Do you use vibrators? Butt plugs? Oral sex with Altoids? What? Let me mention one other thing: I don’t want to introduce negatives, but consider this with an open mind: You are not a dyke. Not really. Once the motherhood thing becomes routine, don’t be surprised if you find yourself pining over some guy. And if that happens, act with restraint. Ignore the mood swings and whatnot. You must always let the head rule over the dictates of the heart if you want to play this game. Concerned,

Earl, the Duke of

to: CC14

re: Any Day Now

date sent: December 15, 1999

The ninth month is supposed to suck. Quit your goddamn fucking and bitching. Hey, check it out—I think I finally found the right voice for this fucking novel. Finally!

A

to: CC14

re: Good on Ya, Sport

date sent: December 16, 1999