They wanted to cuff me and chain me in leg irons but when I gave the officer in charge my word to behave, I was taken to the station without restraints. In fact I rode to the precinct building with the homicide detective, who said he never saw such a display of martial arts short of a Jackie Chan flick! Eighteen officers on one man! Judith followed along in the Morris Minor to bail me out. She reminded me that this was the fourth straight Marzuki reunion that had ended in a brawl. (Okay, I’m one-fourth Native American and sometimes I forget my own strength and fighting prowess and sometimes I forget my medication.) After I posted bail, I took Judith to Vito’s. I was formerly the head chef there and in all modesty I must confess that my Alfredo sauce put them on the map—made them famous! (They stole the patent on it but hell, that’s all water under the bridge. I let bygones be bygones.) At Vito’s Judith ordered a mai tai that was too sweet and the next thing you know, I’m behind the bar fixing drinks. I’m a pretty good mixologist. (Hef used to love what I could do with rum and Pepsi, begged me to come work at the mansion back in the old days, but I was writing my novel at the time and had to turn him down.) So, as I said, I got pretty creative behind the bar and, meanwhile, Judy got laced. Alcohol was the bridge that led her into a really bad, high-dominance mood. There are times when you realize that your very marriage can slip into eternal ruin if you do not immediately say or do the exactly right thing. Like duh, I got some big experience there? Well, that night at Vito’s, after the brawl and the jailing and her sitting alone drinking solitary mai tais—this was one of those moments. I reached deep down into the heart of my Marzuki soul. I did not come up with lyrical poetry. Words were simply not sufficient; like the samurai that I am, I chose action. The next thing you know we were back at Some Like It Hot. I told her I lost four hours’ time on the job with Rado. She’s all pissed, worried I’m going to get canned. But, man, I don’t even know what happened. One minute you’re fine and the next, four hours is gone! Twilight Zone gone. What happened to the time? Weird. I just remember coming to on Lake Shore Drive. I had a dull headache and my face lay against the steering wheel of the Morris Minor. One minute it’s 8 A.M. and the next thing you know it’s high noon. I missed a shitload of deliveries. This is what I tell Judith. She lit up a Marlboro Light and narrowed her huge eyes into angry little razor slits. She gets this bored sarcastic voice and says, “Tell your boss it was a UFO abduction.” This is not as ridiculous as it sounds. In fact, it was highly likely. I sort of remember a probelike object being stuck into my liver by these little dudes in silver suits with big eyes. Ho, you say! But it’s true! I don’t embellish or self-aggrandize. I show my warts. The court-appointed shrink says I have borderline-personality disorder that occasionally slides away from hard reality into the dark world of psychosis. He heard my story and seemed to think I flipped out and lost four hours to madness, not a UFO. Was I on my meds? “‘No? Well, sorta?’ Aha, Louis! Proof positive! I hope you haven’t been drinking again!” Goddamn it, the bastard. I only see him because of the court order, though I must confess the last time I shit-canned the lithium, some very bad things happened and I got a look at the dark pit of my soul. Here is how it went down, years ago: I maxed out my Master Charge and got a sound system installed in the Morris Minor. Top of the line. I parked it in back of the kitchen. This is back in the days when I was washing dishes. I just got through cleaning out the grease trap, stepped outside for a smoke, and there sat the Morris with four flat tires, my sound system gone, and a pair of smashed headlights in the bargain. I had to hump it home that night, six miles. Six miles through the South Side of Chicago. Right through the heart of Blackstone Ranger territory. I didn’t give a shit, the way I was feeling I wished a whole pack of them would try to attack me! Let’s get it on. I was ready to rumble.