I surprised myself by being so good at these technical things. The suffering, I knew I’d understand. Knew I’d want to relieve, and would be able to relieve. The technical part, I came to see, I was able to do because of the catalytic effect of love.

I had been staring at the wall as I spoke, lost in a reverie. It was as though I were speaking to myself, creating with my words some sort of movie of my life. Confirming it, validating it. I said I thought my job saved me from a thousand hells, that I couldn’t imagine ever finding anything I liked better. That what it gave me was too much to be measured; too much, finally, to be told.

And then, suddenly, I snapped out of it. The lights came up. I looked over at Chip, then Diann. They were silent, just watching me. I said something about needing to run some errands, and fled.

I went to a bookstore and drank coffee and read magazines until the place closed. Then I went for a drive. Then I went to the grocery store that stays open all night and bought Ajax and a couple of oranges and sunflower seeds for the bird feeder.

When I came home the house was dark and quiet—Chip gone, I assumed, and Diann asleep. I let Frank out for his final pee, and then went to the refrigerator for the pie. I brought it into bed with me and finished it. Then I lay awake until some time after four. I thought of how you open a too full cupboard and everything comes falling out. I thought of how in my job, my hands regularly touched things others wouldn’t dream of touching. I thought of how people hated hospitals and did not like to be reminded of what went on there. I thought of a time when I was twelve and ate dinner at someone’s house, and when I was finished eating, she said, “Wow, you were hungry,” and her mother shushed her, and I was suddenly so ashamed. I thought of Chip and Diann staring at me, the calm blueness of those stares, their utter apartness from me and those like me.

I press the phone closer to my ear, hear Chip saying, “Listen, you know how Diann was going to come and get me to bring me over there? My parents wanted to know if you’d come here today. Just for today. They said they have a few questions about the medications.”

“Sure.” Out of the corner of my eye, I see Diann’s legs. They are crossed. Evenly tanned. Doesn’t she know she shouldn’t lie in the sun like that? Although maybe it’s that cream, there’s a cream that will tan you, with no side effects that they know of. Yet.