“I know what you’re going to say, Chip. But it isn’t true. It’s not just the way I look. It’s that … I just can’t get it right with people. I don’t know how to be … I don’t know how to be. Ever since I was little, I’ve felt apart from everyone. Maybe that happened because I was so unattractive. Maybe not. But you have to admit that when you look like me, you do get sent to the back of the line. You wouldn’t know anything about that, Chip. Whether you choose to admit it or not, you’ve used your looks your whole life.” I rise up on one elbow, look at him. “I don’t think you understand that I’m all right. I’m fine. I’m not unhappy; I know that, in many respects, I’m really lucky. I also know I’ll never … I mean, I can do my work, and I get great joy from it, but outside of that, I just …”

“Do you have any idea how much the people you work with love you?”

“I’m their nurse.”

“And?”

“They don’t love me. I mean, I know they appreciate me, but they wouldn’t want to …be with me outside of our visits.”

“What about that woman you went to the movies with?”

“Margaret? Oh, that was … She was desperate, Chip.”

“We’re all desperate.”

“Look. I know what you’re saying. I know. But I’m just not the kind who will ever be able to have a relationship like …”

“Like this?”

I look at him. Smile. “Well. But you know why we’re doing this.”

“Why, Myra? Why are we doing this?”

“Because—”

“Because of who you are. That’s why this happened.”

“This happened because of terrible, extraordinary circumstances. If you hadn’t been sick, we’d never—”

“Don’t you know that most people who are together never planned it that way?” He turns onto his back and sighs, exasperated. “I don’t know how to tell you, Myra. How to show you. But I swear, I’m going to.”

Chapter 19

Saturday morning, he gets up before I do. At nine o’clock, I find him seated at the desk, staring out the window. I walk up behind him, put my hands on his shouders.

He says nothing.

“Chip? Are you okay?”

“I think … You know, I slept badly. I’m not in the best shape this morning. Why don’t you go out and get us some bagels, how’s that? And I’ll just … Let me rest a little; and after we eat, we can go somewhere.”

“Why don’t we get room service?”

“Oh, those bagels are no good. I’d really like a bagel from that place on Newbury Street, do you know where it is?”