Kyle took my hand. I gripped it like we were drowning. “Kyle?”

“We have seventy-two hours,” he said. “Let’s use them.”

“What if they don’t get the email in time?” I said, thinking of every possibility that can go wrong. Like an email could take seventy-two hours.

“Iris, it will be fine,” Danielle said. “Go home. Think about it. If Sasha isn’t a match for you, that’s OK. Wait and make the right decision.”

That night, Kyle and I were in bed. Julia had fussed and cried all afternoon and she wore me out. This moment would change our lives. We knew it. We would always remember it.

“I’m going to say something, and don’t be mad,” Kyle said.

Why does he ensure I’ll be mad by saying that? But I do what’s expected and say, “All right.”

“We might pass on him.”

“Why?” The word burst out of me.

Kyle paused. “He doesn’t have much energy. Compared to an American child.”

“Well…” I didn’t know what to say to this. This criticism is so Kyle, who is in constant motion. We’ve been on the same team since we decided to adopt, and now that the moment of decision is here, he’s backing out? I want to punch him.

“What the hell do you mean, energy? That can-do American spirit? That rugged individualism? He’s nine months old!”

“I’m just saying he’s not going to be like Julia. She’s had every advantage. Food, love, attention…This boy has not had that foundation.”

“Uh, yes, we know,” I want to say. We knew this going in. But now he’s seen a child that could become ours. Now he’s scared.

“She also had cancer,” I said. “And we got her through that. We can do this for him. We give Sasha a foundation. We love him and take care of him and we do our best and that’s all we can do for any baby, born here or not.”

Kyle was silent. Thinking.

I pressed ahead: “What, so we shouldn’t adopt him? Thousands of kids get adopted from overseas and don’t have the same head start American kids have.” I hated this conversation. In that moment, I hated Kyle. Why was he doing this? Was he just humoring me through the hours of paperwork and fretting?

“That’s true,” he said in his totally reasonable voice. “I’m just playing devil’s advocate, babe. So we make an informed decision.”

Which to him meant logic and to me meant looking at that video and seeing a child who could be mine. “Kyle, if you don’t want to do this, the time for that was weeks ago. Months. Before I got invested. Maybe you can turn your emotions off like a light switch, but I cannot.”

He looked stunned. “Babe, that’s not what I’m saying.”