It was now, and finally know the truth, or never, and never know for certain. I needed an end to this uncertainty. That, more than anything else, was the thing killing me. Not knowing was like a disease eating me up from the inside out.

I held my breath and stepped forward.

I felt light on me. Warm, lovely light. I swam in it. I waited for the pain, the rash, the headache, the nausea, the vomiting. My heart pumped hard and fast but nothing happened. I took another step, making sure I was totally enveloped by light. Then another step. Two more bags landed on the floor in front of my feet. I raised my hand, took hold of the door, pulled it wide open and stared at the outside. Sun hit me. My eyes burned with tears. Mother lunged at me, pushed me back screaming and cursing, shocked, but worse – enraged.

She slammed the door shut, locked it, pocketed the key. I lay on the bottom step of the stairs. Other than a bruise on my back from hitting the stairs, I felt fine, giddy in fact.

‘What the hell are you doing?’ she screamed.

I smiled up at her, too happy to respond.

She slapped me across my face. Hard. Once. Twice. My eyes focused and tears streamed. Mother had never hit me before.

‘I’m sorry, Mother – I just – I don’t know what got into me! I wanted to know what it was like and I kind of got mesmerized and then my feet were pulling me towards the light and I couldn’t stop myself.’

I looked up, conscious of my face, how I must look. My make-up must be ruined. My eyes were probably red from crying.

‘You look awful. I expect the light will be working its way into your veins right now,’ she said, leaning over and bringing her face close to mine, ‘Yes, I can see it. Oh you poor, silly doll.’

My hands flew to my face. ‘What? What can you see?’

‘The disease, of course, spreading through your body, contaminating your skin. Killing you.’

She sighed and dragged her hands down her face.

‘Killing me? No – I feel fine. It doesn’t hurt. I’m fine. Look,’ I showed her my pale, smooth arms.

She shook her head. ‘It doesn’t show there, but on your face. And inside. Inside your body things will be happening now. Terrible things.’

‘Please – what’s wrong with my face? Terrible things – what things?’

‘Your organs will be starting to melt into one another, and then even more horrible things will start to happen.’

Her eyes glinted. She turned her face away and I noticed her lip curling up on one side into a half-smile. A thought hit me: was she enjoying this?

‘You need to be punished for what you’ve done,’ she said.