What did I want? I wanted Jared, but I wasn’t sure I could ever have him the way I wanted. But even if we could never be together, I wanted to be part of the band again. I wanted to be myself again—my true self, the one I’d uncovered these past few weeks, who went after her dreams, who played guitar blindfolded, who fell off the stage and got back up again.

I wanted to fight.

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

It was Saturday, which meant the live show was in two days, and if I wanted to perform with the guys, I had to patch things up with them and learn the new songs as soon as possible. I found them rehearsing at Dan’s studio, but I couldn’t face them all yet. I texted Kyle and asked him to meet in the room where The Quiet Battles used to rehearse.

When he walked in, he immediately grabbed me in one of his bear hugs. “Maddie, I’m so glad you came back.”

“I’m sorry, Kyle,” I said into his shoulder, fighting back tears. “For lying, for sneaking around behind your back, for breaking my promise, for quitting the band, for being the worst friend ever. For everything.”

“It’s okay. Did you get my messages?”

“Yeah. Eventually.”

After I’d sobered up, I’d turned on my phone and found both texts and voicemails from Kyle, Hector, and Dan, all begging me to come back. There’d even been one from my mom, asking if I was okay. And four from Jared that I still couldn’t face. I’m not sure I’d ever be able to listen to those. But I’d checked all the others and had slowly come back to the world.

Kyle sighed. “I was really mad at first, at both of you, and I couldn’t believe you just left like that. But I don’t blame you for what happened, and I’m over it now. And since you left, Jared’s been a wreck. He spends every waking moment rehearsing this week’s songs, even long after Hector and I are done for the day. On those rare moments he does take a break, he just listens to this one My Chemical Romance song over and over.”

I sucked in a breath. I knew exactly which song Kyle meant: the song Jared had sung to me before the audition, the one he still referenced all the time. “Is it ‘I’m Not Okay’?”

“That’s the one, and I swear if I hear it one more time I’ll shoot myself.” He tugged at the gauges in his ear, like he was annoyed.

The door opened and I froze, worried it was Jared, but instead Hector slammed into me. It was like being hugged by a mountain, squeezed between his hard chest and his muscular arms. “Maddie!”