The window is a kaleidoscope of white and black, and I sit back and watch the wet snow slide down the glass. I used to wonder what would have happened if Dad had been able to get the building manager job sooner. If he’d been home, I wonder whether Mom would have leaned on him instead of alcohol. I vividly recall the look on his face when he told her that he was going to apply for the manager job as soon as it opened up. I was twelve, long legged and clumsy and wanting nothing more than for my dad to live at home all the time. I was convinced that if he was around more, she’d be sober, happier. He’d stood in front of her, hands touching her shoulders and his smile so wide it nearly cleaved his beard in two.

If I get it, I’ll be around more, Alice. His eyes were bright with hope. I can help you get better, honey, so we can be a real family again. He’d pulled her toward him until she had to crane her neck to look up at him. He was much taller than her, and for a second I saw what they’d been like once, before me, before Mom got sad and drunk. And then it was gone, and they were just two people with nothing in common anymore.

It’s too late, Vance, she’d said and listed to the side out of his embrace, drunk already. Dad had winced, letting his hands fall away from her and hang long by his sides.

His voice had lowered then. I was supposed to be asleep; instead, I was spying on them through a crack in my bedroom door. You’re not your father, Alice. There was a note of desperation in his voice, something I’d never heard before in him, like it was something he didn’t believe himself anymore. This is your choice, your future, your daughter, our marriage. I’d heard liquid pouring into a glass, could only assume it was my mother and her vodka. A hardness had entered Dad’s words. There’s an AA meeting in Girdwood. I want you to go as much as you need. Every day, if that’s what it takes. Ruth said she’ll take you. When I get back, Alice. Here his voice had stretched so thin it made my eyes wet. I love you, honey, but it’s hurting Claire, and I can’t let anything happen to her.