Many people come into therapy with their dog (or with any partner, for that matter) with the goal of fixing or controlling unwanted behavior. But the reality is that all relationships are a two-way street, even when it appears that one party has the upper hand or that one is inherently more dependent on the other. Between you and your dog, there are two individuals trying to negotiate life in harmony. No one is “bad” for failing to align with the other’s expectations. No one is in service to the other.

A common misperception is that a dog’s learning is simply about “training.” If only it were as simple as attending a six-week obedience class and emerging with the perfect pet. Here is a big pill to swallow before we begin our conversation about learning: “Dog training” is a misnomer. Your canine pal is no more “trainable” than your spouse. What dogs and spouses are is teachable by life, and you are obviously an important part of life’s experiences in both cases. Under the right set of circumstances, and with the right set of tools, learning can be easily guided. But there are also limitations and ethical constraints in light of the fact that your dog is having her own life experience. She is not a minion.

She might follow you from room to room and literally lick your feet, but that does not mean your dog is at your beck and call. Yes, she will look at you “that way,” and it is really tempting to think that she’s solely interested in doing what makes you happy. But that sincere look you see in her eyes after she’s committed a crime is just a creative strategy of making good with the boss so that things work out in her favor. We can call it an apology, but your little puppy is just instinctively—and logically—stacking that deck. Her appeasing gestures that look like fawning have another function: they trigger cascades of a satisfying chemical called oxytocin to promote bonding and reduce aggression—in both of you. She’s getting trained, all right. She’s doing the math that will add up to better results for her.

You do make a great difference in your dog’s learning. You are providing her with on-the-job training for this “pet” gig every day. But make no mistake: Life is the great trainer; it’s not you. What you want her to learn is not necessarily what she will learn. You cannot simply program her according to your wishes.