“Well, this is helpful,” Rogers said. “Is there an instruction manual of any sort?”

“Yes!” Tunger said excitedly, happy to be of use. “Yes, there is!” He reached around to the same cabinet and pulled out a sheet of laminated plastic paper and handed it over.

“Ah,” Rogers said. “Well, let’s see, then.”

It was a picture of the datapad with all of the buttons on it. Nothing was labeled.

“What the hell am I supposed to do with this?” Rogers asked.

Tunger’s smile faded. “Well, I think they might have thought you would label them as, you know, you figured them out?”

Rogers shook his head. “Alright, Oh One, what about you? If I get blasted by these phantom Thelicosans that everyone keeps talking about, what happens?”

“I assume command of the AIGCS and utilize the best available strategy to neutralize the threat at hand.”

“About as descriptive as the command pad, thanks. Anything more than that? How exactly do you exert said command?”

“I utilize the best available strategy to neutralize the threat at hand.”

Rogers ran his hands down his face, grabbing onto his beard and pulling hard. “I think I’d rather have another inspection.”

“For inspections, you should contact the Standardization and Evaluation Squadron. I am not programmed for that function.”

“Thankfully not.” Rogers turned the command pad over in his hands, wondering what would happen if he just started pushing buttons. The big one on the bottom, the orange square, looked promising. But maybe it was an execution command that only made any sense to use after other commands had been issued? It all seemed like a very primitive system for such advanced technology.

“Well,” Rogers said. “Here goes nothing. Why don’t you step back into formation, Oh One?”

The droid’s eyes flashed for a moment. “I am unable to find a suitable answer for that question. Most likely it is because I have not been ordered to do so by my superior officer.”

Rogers blinked. “Get back in formation.”

“Yes, sir.” The droid moved smoothly back to the position it had occupied previously.

Taking up the pad in his hand and swiping his keycard again—it had locked itself in the interim minutes—he hovered his finger over the orange button, wondering. What if it was the “seek and destroy” button? Or the “fire indiscriminately” button? Or, worse, the “talk to your commander” button? He had to believe that whoever had designed these things wouldn’t let something so dangerous be so easy to do.

He pressed the button, muscles tense.

A resounding ding came from the control pad, followed by the feminine voice that seemed to come standard with all pieces of military technology.

“Congratulations on activating the Mark III Artificial Intelligence Ground Combat control pad. As thanks for activating this service, you are entitled to one free It’s a Droid Life coloring book, to be redeemed at any of the many Snaggardir’s Sundries locations available across the galaxy. Remember: whatever you need, you can Snag It at Snaggardir’s™!”