“So…” I started. “Any plans for after rafting? Going to try a new city this fall? I have to make sure you’ve got some sort of direction now that we’re parting ways.”

While I hated the idea of thinking about the future, I felt desperate to know where he’d be. To gather any information possible about what his future might look like. His future without me.

He paused, licking his lips before glancing down at the mulched ground. “It’s hard to think beyond tomorrow, if I’m being honest.”

“Same,” I said weakly.

His words stabbed right into my heart. The tension building inside me threatened to burst free, but I attempted to force myself to remain positive and carefree.

“I wish you could take me rafting,” I offered with a small smile.

He barked out a laugh. “I think I would be overly concerned for your safety.”

“You could take me on an easy river.”

“An easy river,” he repeated with a chuckle. “Sure, pop on down, and I’ll take you.”

“And after that, you could come to New York and we could go to the top of the Statue of Liberty.”

“Or walk across the Brooklyn Bridge,” he added.

We were lying to ourselves. Oliver wasn’t coming to New York any more than I was going to meet up with him to go rafting. We were pretending—imagining our lives as if this weren’t goodbye.

Suddenly, the forced jokes were too much for me to handle. The sadness that they weren’t true broke the dam inside me, and tears flowed freely from my eyes.

“Why is this so hard?” I choked out. My sobs became more forceful as I wiped my eyes on one of my sleeves.

Oliver released the chains of my swing and clutched me to him, lifting me off the seat. He pressed his face into the top of my head. Everything in me felt like I was going to be physically ill. I had never had a relationship serious enough to be well-versed in breakups, but this felt abnormally difficult. How could it hurt so much that I could barely breathe?

“Why does it have to be like this?” I asked. “How am I supposed to leave you behind?”

“I like you more than I ever thought possible,” he murmured into my hair. He sighed deeply before pulling back to stare into my eyes. “I’ve never cared about a girl the way that I care about you.” He pressed his lips to both of my cheeks, kissing the tracks of my tears. “But you’re headed to New York and you’re going to kill this new job. I wish—” He let out a sharp exhale. “I wish that I could be the type of guy that gets you in the end. The one with a buttoned-up job and a college degree. But I don’t deserve you, I never did. I don’t belong in New York, just like you don’t belong here.”

His words were like a knife slicing right into my chest and turning slowly. Everything around us faded into the background. There was only me and Oliver.