BooksBarbecue
Back Married Life Save as PDF
Chapters (42)
  1. About the Author
  2. Title Page
  3. PART ONE
  4. 1
  5. 2
  6. 3
  7. 4
  8. 5
  9. 6
  10. 7
  11. 8
  12. 9
  13. PART TWO
  14. 10
  15. 11
  16. 12
  17. 13
  18. 14
  19. 15
  20. 16
  21. 17
  22. PART THREE
  23. 18
  24. 19
  25. 20
  26. 21
  27. 22
  28. 23
  29. PART FOUR
  30. 24
  31. 25
  32. 26
  33. 27
  34. 28
  35. 29
  36. PART FIVE
  37. 30
  38. 31
  39. 32
  40. 33
  41. 34
  42. 35

Gurdweill rose from his knees and sat down on the armchair. But he immediately stood up again. He took a step towards the middle of the room and returned to stand in front of Lotte, who was now sitting still with her head in her hands, as if a grief too great to bear had turned her to stone. He called, ‘Lotte! Lotte!’ as if to wake her from some sleep, but she did not move. He went on standing before her, how long he did not know, and in the end she raised her head, looked at him blankly for a moment, and made a gesture with her hand as if to brush him aside. She stretched out on the sofa, covered herself with the rug, and lay without moving, staring at the ceiling. She seemed mortally ill, like a person in a coma. Gurdweill went on standing there helplessly for a long time, not daring to move. Then he sat down on his chair again, and listened to the frozen silence in the room and a distant door opening and a faint voice calling something in the street and the echo repeating interminably inside him: ‘All is lost, all is lost forever!’ Something had actually exploded inside him, burst to bits in this dense silence; the fragments were still there, scattered all over the place … Someone was to blame, neither him nor Lotte, someone else, a stranger who had broken in where he didn’t belong and damaged them deliberately …

After a while Lotte turned her head towards him. He thought that she was calling him, and he sprang up and approached her. In a broken, unrecognisable voice, which sounded as if some chord had snapped inside it, she said laboriously: ‘Please go now. I want to be alone.’

She stretched out her hand but immediately took it back again, and hid it under the rug before he could grasp it. Her eyes were staring at the ceiling again. Gurdweill stole one last glance at her bloodless face, wanted to say something, thought better of it, and left the room.

In the street he was overcome with remorse and felt that he must return to her immediately. He had behaved with unforgivable cruelty. How could he have gone and left her — her, Lotte — all by herself?

But Gurdweill did not go back. His feet bore him forward in spite of himself, obeying the dictates of some force more powerful than he. In the days to come, the picture of Lotte as he had left her lying on the sofa would return to haunt him, her oval face so thin and pale, her eyes staring at the ceiling as if it held the answer to all her perplexities.

33

33