Footnote 2. An ancient metal thing. Seriously, thou needst google it.

Footnote 3. In fact, detained on an extensive Dig in the Valley of the Kings, the poor Egyptologist by the name of J—— had fallen through a secret underground chamber into a pit of snakes and scorpions, miraculously escaped unscathed but badly frightened, took a brief sabbatical to recover his composure, and was not heard of again for at least a decade.

Footnote 4. Not in the Biblical sense.

Footnote 5. Not in the Biblical sense.

Footnote 6. Oh dear! Such thoughts are worthy of Ancient Rome, not a civilized modern drawing room.

Footnote 7. How improper! Please, do think, rather, of the sandwich! for it is far more nourishing, body and soul, than such impurity of thought.

Footnote 8. Aha! At last, pay attention, gentle Reader, this is Important!

Footnote 9. Gentle Reader, I dare say, your thoughts are again rather unseemly.

Footnote 10. Delightful Reader, it is not what you might assume it is.

Footnote 11. The distasteful pastime of Acting, in particular the enactment of indelicate, suggestive and compromising roles for modern, well-bred young ladies, is a grave sin. Gentle Reader, it is the equal of holding a Mardi Gras in the drawing room, complete with bead tossing, pole dancing, topless floats—in short, nudity and adult situations. It is not to be borne.

Footnote 12. Pure unadulterated debauchery of the lowest fashion; heaving bosoms, and endless lewd opportunities to approach eligible gentlemen one has set one’s sights upon, in the guise and manner of a whore of Babylon.

Footnote 13. Not in the “closet” sense. Fie! what Oscar Wildean indelicacy!

Footnote 14. In the Babylonian sense.

Footnote 15. Not in the Lesbos sense—though, there is nothing wrong with that.

Footnote 16. Of the Babylonian variety.

Footnote 17. Oh, in Heaven's name, how inappropriate, for a House of God!

Footnote 18. Gentle Reader, here we speak not of that kind of uncle.

Footnote 19. Once more, we do not set sail to Lesbos at this juncture.

Footnote 20. Upon my word, not that way! That way lies the closet and Lesbos and Oscar Wilde, and—oh, criminy!

Footnote 21. Gracious now, we must not think such dreadfully Roman things!

Footnote 22. Closets, again? Fie, not the closets!

Footnote 23. What ghosts of Oscar Wilde? Upon my word!

Footnote 24. Why, gentle Reader! I beg you to get your mind out of the filth of the gutter!

Footnote 25. Oh dear, not again. Banish the thought!

Footnote 26. Neither Bedlam nor the Tower of London are suggested here.

Footnote 27. Harlots, all! Ahem—pray, forgive such an outburst, gentle Reader.

Footnote 28. O ye most shameless Reader! Such thoughts as these, why, this is not to be borne! I beg you now, in all righteousness to think of something pure and unsullied to cleanse the filthy recesses of your mind, else there will be no recourse but to notify the appropriate moral authorities!

Footnote 29. Not in the Siamese sense.

Footnote 30. Babylon.