If Graham could speak, this is when he’d accuse me of being a smart-ass—but then, if he could speak, I wouldn’t give two shits about the fate of J.R. Voss.

Voss versus That Girl.

Voss versus The Cops.

Victories on both counts, all thanks to my dear husband.

No, if Graham hadn’t lost his verbal and fine motor skills last winter, those successes would be mere mile markers on our road toward retirement. Every lawsuit, whether nasty or righteous, was a means to our golden years, which should’ve been spent traveling the world, relaxing, dancing, eating oysters for breakfast and bonbons for dinner. Instead, stress and billable hours earned my husband an aneurism and me this. Lucky us. Now we have nothing but time to think about all of the shit we avoided before. Take, for example, J.R. Voss. Did we know he was an absolute squid who should’ve had his slimy tentacles chopped off and fed to sharks? Yes, sure. She was seventeen years old, that girl. Seventeen. She’d only just reached the age of consent. J.R. Voss is worse than chum, but where the law is concerned, chum is neutral. Chum has the right to an attorney, too, just as Graham and his firm have the right to be extraordinary.

The girl should have exercised her right to choose the same. This is what pisses me off. Her family hired that hack from heaven-knows-where, when what they needed was a firm like Graham’s—not that my husband’s loyalty was up for grabs. Graham doesn’t even like J.R., but he favors him as an honorary member of some implied Brotherhood of Important People, so Graham took the case, drafted a nondisclosure, calculated the price of that girl’s silence—a mere morality tax for J.R. that must’ve seemed like a fortune to her—and made a deal. She deserved a lawyer with enough confidence to refuse the offer and enough experience to warn her of how it would feel to stand in front of cameras and recite lines scripted by one of Graham’s minions: “I misrepresented the relationship between myself and Mr. Voss. He never touched me inappropriately. I lied, and I am embarrassed and deeply sorry to Mr. Voss and his family for the damage that I’ve caused.”

I watched the press conference in real time that day and told myself, This is part of the job. And, Graham represents the law, not the person. And, Two words: early retirement. People scoop actual shit at the zoo. People clean shit from airplane bathrooms and hospital bedpans. Those are real jobs people do so they can make a buck and get on with their lives.

At least we never scooped shit.

It’s not our fault the girl hired a nimrod attorney, and I am not sorry that Graham is excellent at his job.

Was excellent.