I could give you a really nice glass of lager.

8 Love Story

I thought you’d be a pushover;

I hoped I wouldn’t hurt you.

I warned you this was just a fling

And one day I’d desert you.

So kindly in your spectacles,

So solid in your jacket,

So manly in your big white car

That must have cost a packet.

I grew to like you more and more –

I didn’t try to hide it.

Fall in love with someone nice? –

I’d hardly ever tried it.

The course of true love didn’t run

Quite the way I’d planned it.

You failed to fall in love with me –

I couldn’t understand it.

9 Spring Onions

Decapitating the spring onions,

She made this mental note:

You can tell it’s love, the real thing,

When you dream of slitting his throat.

10 I’ll Be Nice

I’ll be nice to you and smile –

It’s easy for a man to win –

But I’ll hate you all the while.

I shall go the extra mile

And condone your every sin –

I’ll be nice to you and smile.

You will think I like your style;

You’ll believe I’ve given in

But I’ll hate you all the while.

Safe as an atomic pile,

Good as nitroglycerine,

I’ll be nice to you and smile.

I’ll say hypocrisy is vile

And give a reassuring grin

But I’ll hate you all the while.

Set against my wits and guile,

Manly strength won’t save your skin.

I’ll be nice to you and smile

But I’ll hate you all the while.

My Lover

For I will consider my lover, who shall remain nameless.

For at the age of 49 he can make the noise of five different kinds of lorry changing gear on a hill.

For he sometimes does this on the stairs at his place of work.

For he is embarrassed when people overhear him.

For he can also imitate at least three different kinds of train.

For these include the London tube train, the steam engine, and the Southern Rail electric.

For he supports Tottenham Hotspur with joyful and unswerving devotion.

For he abhors Arsenal, whose supporters are uncivilized and rough.

For he explains that Spurs are magic, whereas Arsenal are boring and defensive.

For I knew nothing of this six months ago, not did I want to.

For now it all enchants me.

For this he performs in ten degrees.

For first he presents himself as a nice, serious, liberated person.

For secondly he sits through many lunches, discussing life and love and never mentioning football.

For thirdly he is careful not to reveal how much he dislikes losing an argument.

For fourthly he talks about the women in his past, acknowledging that some of it must have been his fault.

For fifthly he is so obviously reasonable that you are inclined to doubt this.

For sixthly he invites himself round for a drink one evening.

For seventhly you consume two bottles of wine between you.