I feel exhausted from delivering even just this little speech, but maybe that’s because I also feel like maybe I’ve just broken through some internal wall? Unfortunately, Amelia still appears stuck on the other side. Cleo too. Suddenly I feel stupid. Exposed.

Without thinking, I react.

“Fine, whatever. I’m going to this Chills Coven place with or without you.”

Click here

“Or maybe I’m wrong? Maybe we should learn our lesson and not repeat our mistakes by going down the same road?”

Click here

Amelia still looks unsure. And why shouldn’t she? I’m not exactly in a place to be offering advice. Still, when all else fails, Amelia and I have always relied on the tarot to make sense of the senseless.

“Okay, then think of the step in the journey that comes after The Hanged Man,” I try. “Think of Death, the card Gran Flo always said was the most misunderstood figure in the entire Major Arcana.”

I take a deep breath, trying to recall the seeds of passion Gran Flo always sowed into her own take on this seemingly ominous card. It feels good scraping off some of the rust collecting on my tin brain.

“If Death is about loss, then it’s about what you lose when your old self dies. If Death represents the end of an era, then its sacrifice might be what’s necessary to bring about a brighter era. Death reminds us that we’re meant to flow into challenges. Forcing against them only keeps us stuck in one place. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to stay stuck in this place. I need to get some closure on something. Anything.”

I feel exhausted from delivering even just this little speech, but maybe that’s because I also feel like maybe I’ve just broken through some internal wall? Unfortunately, Amelia still appears stuck on the other side. Cleo too. Suddenly I feel stupid. Exposed.

Without thinking, I react.

“I’m trying here, Amelia. If I can push through, then you can, too.”

Click here

“I don’t know, maybe I’m just running full speed ahead to keep myself distracted? So I don’t have to stop and face reality?”

Click here

The moment I say these words, I realize how insensitive they are.

“For someone who hasn’t spoken for two days, you suddenly have an awful lot to say,” Amelia snaps back. “And for someone whose feelings we’ve been very sensitive around, you’re being pretty freaking selfish right now. Can you just give me a damn minute?”

“I’m always giving you a minute, Amelia,” I respond on impulse, without thinking. Another half-truth, another insensitivity.

“Like you gave Logan a minute?” Amelia fires. “I’m sorry if my emotions are too messy for you, or if I trust too big and get myself in trouble. But I’ll take that any day over being cold. Over shutting down like a robot.”

Suddenly my emotions wither. I can’t control it. I know I’m about to spew carelessness, like wind rattling the dying leaves off a tree.