Logan reaches out his hand to touch my arm, but I recoil. Suddenly he is a stranger to me, limbs of a foreign body.

“What, before you break up with me?” The words hurt, boiling in my chest.

“No, no,” Logan says. “Chase, I still love you.”

“But?” I respond. “You still love me, but…”

Logan sighs.

“But we’re barely eighteen. I’ve never even kissed anyone else and we’re going to be so far apart. I just thought—”

“You thought you want to hook up with other guys?” I interrupt, even though I nearly choke on the sentence. The entire earth seems to tilt around me, like some fundamental axis has shifted.

“I think I need to go into college open to experiencing a lot of new things. And yes, maybe even that,” Logan says. “But I don’t want to lose you. Besides, who says we have to do things the old way? Straight people break up all the time for a reason, because of these unrealistic expectations of lifelong devotion, of never accounting for change. I’ve been doing some reading, and it’s pretty common for older gay men to have some degree of openness in their relationships.”

It’s like Logan speaks another language. I recognize the words, but the meaning is lost on me.

“I don’t want us to become bitter and resent each other,” he goes on. “I want us to grow in the same direction, to experience all this together. And if we’re really meant to be, don’t you want to know for sure there’s no greener grass and all that?”

Logan takes my hand and I let him, limply.

“Besides, if we really love each other, nothing—no one—can keep us apart.”

I can’t speak.

Our entire relationship suddenly casts itself in a different light. What was once steady and safe begins to warp; it becomes unsure and dangerous. How long have I not been enough? How did I miss the signs? When did Logan take this turn without me? Logan is a pillar. I’m gay and I’m with Logan. It’s a fact of my life. But now the entire foundation of that life feels like it’s crumbling.

Logan looks distraught. I wish it helped me feel better.

“You were just going to drop this on me before I left for school?”

“I wasn’t even sure this is what I wanted,” Logan answers. “I thought maybe we could see when you came back for our first break. But then something settled along the way, while I was waiting. And then… then I just wanted us to be us, as long as possible.”

“That’s… that’s so…”

Selfish, is what I want to say. All of this is just so damn selfish.

“I don’t want to hurt you,” Logan pleads. “And I don’t want to lose you.”

Tears now brim in Logan’s own eyes.