Back at the hospital she put away the shopping in Nic’s bedside unit, touched her sunken cheek to see if she’d wake, got an unhelpful update (doing just as we’d expect) from the ward nurse, then retreated to the hospital cafeteria. She poured herself a glass of water from the green plastic jug set out for customers, chose a table at the back, and sat facing the room so that her screen was hidden from passers-by. Starting with the links people had sent her and then using search terms tagged on the posts, she tracked the video through the internet, saving the address of each site as she went. As she looked, she came across others in the ‘series’ made by Josh and his college mates. They were all in that same room, that same bed, using the same two camera angles, edited to conceal faces. Lena couldn’t bring herself to watch the others in full; she skipped through rapidly to see if any of the women were identifiable. They weren’t, to her. But she bet there were plenty of people who knew a girl with a splattering of moles in just that configuration on her chest and that anyone who’d ever seen the lower back of that other girl would recognise the birthmark shaped like a wonky wineglass.

As for the men, Lena was sure none of them were Josh. During the fucking it was hard to tell—especially skipping through fast, as she was—but that bit at the end, the bit she watched in full in every case—showed the whole body, with only the face blanked out. None of them had Josh’s thick thighs and narrow waist, none his precise, briefly beloved way of moving.

She hated how jealous it made her to see girl after girl receive 7s and 8s. Hated the glow of relief when a girl got 4 or 5. Hated most of all the sick compulsion to read all the comments, to wonder along with them whether it was the wild bush or bee sting tits that caused an otherwise hot girl to be marked down or if it was the power sucking and firm ass that caused a total dog to be scored higher.

In between following the tracks of her shame, she kept Mum and Will up to date on what was happening with Nic. With Will she could be blunt, but with Mum she had to be careful. The sisters had a relationship Mum described as volatile and Nic called shit. They’d never been especially close, as far as Lena could figure, but things had only got truly volatile (shit) when Nan died and left the Family Home to her eldest.