‘I know. I’m glad, but … I’ve been thinking that was when this all went wrong for her. When she started losing her shit. Or keeping every bit of it. She was pretty devo when you told her we were leaving. That was a bad fight, even by Miller sister standards.’

Another pause. Lena would do anything to be in the room with her mum right now, be able to read her face to understand the silence.

‘It was Will.’

‘What was?’

‘Him getting locked up. She took it very hard. We all did, obviously, but … Nicole’s always been so fragile, especially when it comes to you kids. It’s been … It’s been difficult. She was a great help when you were growing up. A spare parent, you know? But always so judgemental of us, me and your dad. She thought—still thinks, I guess—I’m a shit mother. Maybe I am.’

‘Mum, you’re not.’

‘I have been at times, I’m sure. It’s been hard. Hard, Lena. I’ve done my best.’

‘I know you have.’

‘But it was never good enough for her. She always acted like I was failing you both, and so when Will … I knew he was dealing, Leen. I didn’t like it, tried to talk to him, but you remember how it was then. It was hard. I’m repeating myself, but, god. Sometimes I can’t believe we got through it. I know I didn’t do all I could. Didn’t do enough to stop him, protect him.’

‘No one did.’

‘Who else should have, though? Your dad was gone, you were a kid, Nic had no idea. Will was …’

‘On his own.’

‘Like I said, shit mother.’

‘Shit times.’

‘Anyway, Nicole was devastated and it pissed me off, to be honest. I’d lost your dad and then, not lost, but it felt like I’d lost my son. And she was carrying on like—like she always has, like you’re her kids. I had no patience for it. She was hysterical.’

A ridiculous sting of jealousy. Nic wasn’t supposed to care so much about Will. She was Lena’s special person, and Lena was hers. Upset, sure, but devastated? Over Will?

‘She told me something once, long after he was out. We were having a rare, proper sisterly chat. I think it was her birthday. I’d called and she’d had a couple of wines, wasn’t all prickly and defensive, like normal. I said something about how I wouldn’t be getting to sleep any time soon because I’d had a cappuccino after dinner and she said—God, it’s so ridiculous and sad, Leen—she said she hadn’t had a cappuccino since Will went to jail.’

‘What?’