When I got to school, Miriam Patel already looked like Miss Universe, holding bunches of flowers and three million cards.

And to think it’s all because of one pube …

I didn’t get anything from Polly. Lucky, too, because the card I made her last night looks horrendous. I put it in the recycling when I got home. Maybe it can be a shiny new card this time next year, and the person getting it may even give a shit.

Tristan got Polly a gigantic teddy bear holding a heart that reads GIRLFRIEND, I LOVE YOU TO THE MOON AND BACK. Surprisingly, instead of actually dying of

a)  laughter or

b)  embarrassment,

Polly grinned like an idiot all day.

I have thought about her reaction long and hard, and I’ve concluded that it must be the hunter-gatherer instinct that’s somehow ingrained in our DNA.

So Polly, in a very cavewomanish way, thinks that Training Wheels has hunted and gathered this huge love token (possibly also symbolizing a giant penis) and is thus worthy of her love and fathering the next generation.

FYI, when I say “our DNA,” I mean Polly’s DNA, because I have actually come out of the cave, crossed the valley, discovered fire, and invented the wheel, etc., etc.

6:54 P.M.

Looks like I’m going to spend tonight with a crazy Scottish woman.

Kate and I are going to the Goat Tavern for dinner, because they’ve got a special Valentine’s Day 2-4-1 curry night. I don’t really fancy it, and it’s clearly for couples, but Kate was like: “You listen to me now, Phoebe. I’m not going to be punished for not having found love, and neither will you, so put on a frock, chin up, shoulders back, and let’s go.”

I don’t have a frock, so I’m wearing black skinny jeans as usual.

PS: According to my research, Valentine’s Day actually had nothing to do with love until love came into fashion in the eighteenth century, when lovers (not friends or distant relations) sent each other cards and maybe flowers. What this basically means is that the human race hasn’t evolved since then. Nothing ever stays in fashion that long, except maybe God.

Seriously, everyone needs to calm down about love.

Besides, tomorrow all Valentine’s merch will be one pound and in the bargain bin. If nothing else, that should really put things into perspective.

Thursday, February 15 #Gastroporn

The Goat has got to be in the bottom three of romantic eating establishments in SW19, coming in just ahead of Pizza Hut and KFC. Weirdly, though, everyone dressed like they were on Love Island.

When our waiter brought the food, he was all like: “Hi, I like your T-shirt. I’m a huge fan of the Stones.”

I honestly only wear it because it’s a tongue that’s constantly sticking out at people. It’s the socially acceptable way of holding up your middle finger all day long. But I was like: “Yeah, yay them.”