Kate was all: “Wish I was wearing a Stones T-shirt. That boy is beautiful,” and I was like: “Ew,” because he’s, like, twenty-five, and his biceps were bursting out of their short sleeves, and Kate’s almost forty, and she was wearing a jumper that literally read: “I Heart Cats.”

When he came to collect the plates, Kate was squinting so badly trying to read his name badge that her eyes disappeared, and then she was like: “James, this is my friend Phoebe, Phoebe this is James.” He was like: “Nice to meet you,” and then shook my hand.

He also shook Kate’s hand, and she took it as an invitation to tell him her entire life story: how she manages the thrift shop, how I often come to help out (total lie, FYI), blah blah blah.

When we were leaving, James was like: “See ya, Phoebe, bye, Kate,” and outside Kate was just like: “Gosh! Beautiful people like that serving food is pure gastroporn.”

Gastroporn.

Oh my God.

She clearly fancied him.

Friday, February 16 #ComputerSaysNo

This afternoon I failed the online application test for Boots. What a total joke. Like, an actual joke, because the questions were all like:

A customer walks into the store. Do you:

a)  Welcome them.

b)  Ignore them.

c)  Immediately inundate them with questions and shove the latest No7 wrinkle cream in their face.

I clicked on a, obviously, because I’m not an idiot, and I’m ticking boxes, but guess what? Computer says no, thank you.

And to think that Miriam Patel did her work experience at Boots.

I’m never shopping there again.

It’s half term next week, and Kate was like: “Any plans, Phoebe?”

I told her I’m going to have another go at handing out CVs, because you never know; someone somewhere somehow may have croaked it.

Saturday, February 17 #EffRightOff

Kate’s been discussing my life with Mum, who started an intervention WhatsApp conversation with me at six in the morning.

Mum: Sorry!!!! I know it’s early where you are, but I missed you. (Lie.)

Me: Hi.

Mum: How’s the job hunt going?

Me: Not great.

Mum: How do you feel about that?

Me (thinking: What does it matter how I feel about it?): Sucks.

Mum: I know you feel responsible for what happened with the cat, but it sounds to me like it was an accident, and I’m sure Kate doesn’t expect you to reimburse her for it.

Me: I know.

Mum: I think you should concentrate on school, darling. GCSEs are going to be full-on, and they are rather important. Why don’t you wait and get a summer job instead?

Me: I don’t need to concentrate on school, school’s fine.

Mum: I believe you, I’m just saying, you don’t need to get a job.

Me: Fine.

Mum: How’s Polly?

Me: Still in love.

Mum: Kate says she hasn’t been around at all. That’s not like Polly.

Me: She’s in love with Tristan, so she’s probably at his house.

Mum: Why don’t you ask her to come over for a few days in half term?

Me: Because I don’t want to.

Mum: She’s your best friend, sweetheart.

Me: Was.

Mum: I know it’s hard when relationships change, but make sure you don’t cut her off now. I know what you can be like, Phoebe, and just don’t, okay?!

Me: Okay.