I was laughing so hard that I couldn’t breathe, as was Emma, and then I pulled that disgusting donated quilt with the cigarette burns from the donations pile and threw it over Emma, and she squealed so loudly that Pat was just like: “What are you doing?”

At that point I was like: OMG, what am I doing?

I feel like my brain is melting.

PS: Richard had his balls twisted off today, and he seems depressed about it. What have I done?

Tuesday, July 3 #PATHETIC

I should write to NASA and ask to apply to the space program early.

Imagine it.

NASA: What makes you the ideal candidate for the manned mission to Mars?

Me: I’m basically in love, and I need to not be, so I have to leave Earth.

Wednesday, July 4 #JesusMaryAndJoseph

Apparently the Bible sold.

The score is now 1–1.

I was like: “Nooooooo, who buys a Bible in the middle of summer?” and Kate told me it was someone who is going to use it for their creative writing lessons by cutting it up into words and phrases to then make poetry.

Totally pretentious.

Also sacrilege.

Thursday, July 5 #TheGameIsOnAgain

Emma picked a cow onesie for grown-ups, featuring rubber udders, as her donation of the week, and I went for the two-thousand-piece Ed Sheeran jigsaw puzzle that doesn’t look anything like Ed Sheeran but more like Ron Weasley in double denim.

We fought for the best window display place for them, and Emma ended up falling backwards out of the window and into the shop, and on top of the mannequin she tried to put the stupid cow onesie on.

We were absolutely dying laughing, and Alex looked at Kate like: Well, they’ve proper lost it now.

Also, turns out Alex knows everything but says nothing. Which interestingly makes him the polar opposite of Miriam Patel, who knows nothing, but says everything.

He knew about Bradley and never said anything, never slipped up, nothing. I’m not saying this because he’s got Down syndrome. I just mean, people normally blurt out secrets like that all the time, because they want to feel important.

I asked him to come to my birthday party, but he said he’d have to ask his mum and dad, and I was just like: “They can come, too.”

I think I’m going to have to start writing things down, because it’s in ten days.

Friday, July 6 #Vinaigrette

I did nothing today apart from watch Love Island and cut up a page of The Woman’s Guide to Cookery and Household Management to make a poem for Emma:

Basic Vinaigrette Dressing Poem

1 part vinegar to 3 parts oil.

Your beauty is

Basic

Simple

Vary as you wish

I shall always

Add

Take

I follow

At the end

Or

Maybe

Since always

I think it’s rather profound. LOL.

PS: Obviously I’m never showing this to Emma. Or anyone.