“No.” He absently rubbed the back of his head. “What’s wrong with me? I’ve got the most beautiful, perfect woman in love with me. She’s sexy and giving. I don’t want to be with anyone else but her. So how did we break up?”

“That’s a mystery, for sure. Who broke it off?”

“No one. Well, maybe her. I don’t know.” Mystified, he had no idea how he’d sabotaged this relationship.

“I bet she did.” Auggie leaned in, her gaze piercing. “I bet she got sick of your distance bullshit and called you on it.”

“What?”

Auggie shook her head. “Bro, you know I love you. But you live too much in that fat head of yours.”

“Up yours.”

“See? It’s that attitude I’m talking about. You call me dramatic.”

“You are.”

“So what if I am? I try my best to find love and laughter in this big ball of worry we call life.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m trying to converse on your level, professor.” She lifted her nose in the air.

He had to laugh at that. “You are so annoying.”

“Yeah? Well so are you when you don’t like what you’re hearing.”

“What does that mean?”

They both paused as Hermione returned with their breakfast orders.

“Try not to choke on it, demon spawn,” she said to Auggie, then with a bright smile, to Xavier, added, “Eat up, honey. You look like you need it. Still handsome though. Always.” Hermione winked, gave Auggie the finger, then left.

He watched their server flirt all the way to the counter. “I don’t understand your relationship with Hermione.”

“Meh, few do. But that’s her way of telling me not to be late to tonight’s roller derby match. We bet serious money on it.” Auggie tucked into her food and said, “You have issues.”

“With my sister’s table manners, yes I do.”

She chewed with her mouth open and swallowed loudly. “Yet another issue. Your intolerance for all things fun.”

“Fun? I saw you masticating eggs.” He felt pretty proud for working “masticating”—his word of the day—into common conversation.

Auggie gave him a thumbs up. “Nice job.”

“Thanks.”

“But let’s get back to why you and Justine broke up.”

“I’m not sure we did.” Were they maybe on a break?

“Well, dumbass, have you talked to her?”

“Um, no.” He scowled. “And how about you lighten up on all the insults?”

Auggie laughed. “Yeah, right. Look, you’re acting like a teenager too afraid to talk to his crush and avoid a simple misunderstanding. You told me that Justine told you to figure things out. So what are you figuring out?”

“I… Hell. It’s your fault,” he snapped.

“Me?”

“Yeah. You made me think about how I acted with Mom’s boyfriends.”

“It’s not like she’s had a million of them. Six, no, seven, right? And of those, only three were long-term. That’s not counting her coffee dates. I’m mean real dating, like, a relationship that last more than a month.”