‘And you’re inviting him up while you get your shoes on, like we discussed?’ Mike says from the sofa. Ever since I told them that Will was coming over, they’ve been obsessed with meeting him, and my original plan to be ready so I could just run down to the front door when he arrived was swiftly overruled.

‘Only if you put a dressing gown on,’ I tell him firmly. ‘I might be able to cope with you sprawling about the place in your boxer shorts, but I’ve had years to get used to it. I don’t want his first impression of my home to be you with your testicles hanging out.’

‘My balls aren’t hanging out!’ he says indignantly.

‘Not at the moment,’ Sarah agrees. ‘But they do have a habit of popping out to say hello when you’re not looking. Do as the lady says and put a dressing gown on, will you?’

‘I just hope this all proves to be worth it and he starts spending time here,’ Mike mutters as he heaves himself off the sofa, giving Sarah and me an eyeful of scrotum as he does. ‘I could do with some male support.’

‘You poor thing,’ Sarah coos sarcastically at his back, before turning to me once he’s out of earshot. ‘I’ve got him some of those trunk-style pants for Christmas. They look like boxer shorts, but will hopefully keep him better contained. There’s nothing like unexpected glimpses of male genitalia to put you off your breakfast, and I’m quite fond of his genitals, on the whole. How you put up with it is anyone’s guess.’

‘Like I said, I’ve had years of it.’

‘He was a lot more careful when Lena was here, did you notice?’

I laugh. ‘He flashed her once, early on, and she threatened to cut them off and feed them to him if she ever saw them again. I think it probably focused his mind.’

‘Why didn’t you try that?’

‘Oh, I did, but I lack Lena’s psycho streak, so he understandably didn’t take me seriously.’

‘He’s late,’ Mike announces as he re-enters the room, wrapping a towelling dressing gown round himself. ‘Not a very good first impression when meeting your flatmate Mum and Dad, is it?’

‘If you start that, I’ll meet him downstairs like I originally planned. I’m only bringing him up here to shut you up. You won’t be interviewing him, asking his intentions or anything else. Any funny business and you’ll be sleeping with the fishes, capisce?’

‘Fine. If you’re going to come over all mafioso about it,’ Mike huffs.

‘I think, technically, that would be mafiusa,’ Sarah corrects him. ‘Mafioso is for men.’

‘Is that really a word? I thought the Mafia was a male stronghold, and the women just pitched up at the funerals looking incredibly glamorous in black dresses and sunglasses.’