“Okay, well, that’s important. But you know she’s only fifteen. And you’re eighteen. You . . . took advantage of her, honey.” As if honey sugarcoated the four-letter reality. The reality that could put my son in jail. He was an adult. Aria was a minor. But I couldn’t utter it. This was my son, not a rapist.

“Mom, I swear I didn’t mean to. She didn’t push me away or say no or anything.”

“Not saying no isn’t the same as saying yes, Ryan. You know that, right? Just because a girl doesn’t fight back doesn’t mean she wants it. Please tell me you understand that!” I was yelling now as my own trauma needled every nerve in my body. Hands pressing against my mouth. Fingers squeezing my neck closed. Pressure, then a snap of pain as he forced himself inside me.

My face fell into my palms as I pushed the images away. Please, not now. I can’t fall apart in front of my son!

“Mom, I love Aria. I’ve always loved her. I would never do anything to intentionally hurt her. I didn’t know—I didn’t think. Are you saying I . . . I raped her?”

Ryan was crying now, and I cried with him. I pulled him into a hug, because I couldn’t say anything more. I couldn’t pacify his fear. I couldn’t free his conscience.

“I don’t know, honey, I don’t know.” I shook my head sadly. “Mackenzie is going to tell Owen, and God knows what he’ll do. He could take matters into his own hands, or press charges . . .” My fears piled one on top of the other.

“And then what?”

“And then it’s up to the court to determine what happens. I’m so sorry, Ry.”

We sat huddled together, Ryan sobbing into my shoulder for his sins, me weeping into the darkness for my son. Finally Ryan sat up, looking more intense than I’d ever seen him.

“I’ve got to talk to Aria. I need to tell her I’m sorry. I need to make things right with her. And if Owen kicks my ass, so be it. I’ll get what I deserve.”

“Honey, Owen could turn you in to the police! What you did is a crime. And you’re not allowed to see or speak to Aria—not until things cool down. Or until we speak to a lawyer. We need to figure things out first.”

“Mom, Aria needs to know. It’s not fair to her to keep her in the dark. And she needs to hear it from me.”

“No, Ryan. Some things are better left unsaid. When it’s something that could really hurt someone you care about, it’s not always best to tell them. Sometimes secrets protect others.” Like the secret I couldn’t tell Grant, the secret I couldn’t tell Ryan.