I straightened my shirt and rebuttoned my pants—I hadn’t even realized he had made that smooth move. Breathless with mingled excitement and trepidation, I casually waited for Robin to pop into view. But she never did. No one did. The shadow simply idled, within eyeshot but too indistinct to identify. Was whoever it was listening to us? Waiting to catch us in the act? I crept forward and peeked out just as the shadow retreated. I could see people milling around the baseball park. A moment later I spotted Robin’s back among the crowd, her hair falling in loose waves around her shoulders. I didn’t know if our little eavesdropper was her or not, but I’d be damned if I came crawling out of the shadows while she stood right there.

“Is it her?” Grant whispered in my ear.

“I’m not sure if she saw us, but she’s standing right there.” I nodded in her direction. “Just wait until she moves.”

And what if she saw us? What would happen then? Question after question plagued me, worry heaped on top of guilt and regret. I didn’t want to feel this way. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to be free of this burden. But I couldn’t stop, and I didn’t know how to stop. For the first time since Tony I felt alive. But Tony was gone, wasn’t he? I had pushed the best thing in my life away and there was no returning to that life. I’d lost everything that mattered all because of the accident, the pills, the depression—a hungry cycle that swallowed me whole.

People judge addicts as weak, but they have no idea what it’s really like. Speculate all you want, but until your life depends on something, you’ll never know. For years I tried to figure out how people just “quit” their drug of choice, but it wasn’t so easy. My thoughts were always on my next high, whether it be pills . . . or, now, Grant.

Maybe Robin catching us was what I needed to straighten my life out. Maybe if I got my life together Tony would take me back. But in that scenario I’d lose Robin. I’d lose my friend in order to gain myself. I wasn’t so sure it was an even exchange.

“We gotta go back out there,” Grant finally said, ripping me from my self-loathing. “I don’t want her finding us here.”

“Is it better if she sees us both coming out of here together? That’s going to look pretty damn suspicious.”

Then I had an idea. It was a stupid one, one that would probably turn Robin against me, but it was better than getting caught. As Grant headed out into the open, I lingered behind.

Welcome, mistake number three: kissing my best friend’s husband while she stood mere feet away.