We have so much time! Have you noticed that? There is so much time here! It’s like it grows in the walls. Spawning and blooming and spreading and spawning and spawning and spawning. Like mould. The minutes ooze like spores across the surface of the day, slick, and orange and I’ve got this weight. Right on my chest. It’s like a rock. Like an actual rock.

* * *

Do you like my hair? I can’t see it. Not really. Only if I look in the window with my eyes half closed like this and only if the light is just right. But really, it feels amazing. The lady who came to wash it did such a wonderful job.

You should take care of yourself, she said to me, while she was brushing it. My old hair. She said that to me!

You know they tell me sometimes at appointments, when they’re feeling kind, the doctors, I mean, they tell me, Slow down, breathe, imagine you are in the woods. Close your eyes, they say, and imagine you are walking in the woods. Imagine the ground you are walking on. Imagine that you are walking and you see two trees, the biggest ones, they say, that you have ever seen. Imagine that they are so big, these two trees, that you cannot see the tops of them, that their trunks disappear behind their branches. That they bury themselves, these two trees, deep into the chest of the sky. Like spears. Imagine the forest is a field of spears, spears that are tall enough and sharp enough to pierce absolutely all the things, all the things that you have ever…

No. I’m kidding. Of course it doesn’t go like that. They do tell me the bit about the trees though. The two big ones. Only, they only ever ask me what I see when I step between them, the two big trees in the forest. That’s what they want to know. But I never do, see it I mean. The forest. The two trees.

Only I did with her. With the lady who came to brush my hair. For a moment I could see them. The two big trees with a between between them, and a room there behind them.

I don’t mean to keep you. I’m trying not to I promise! It’s just that I’ve been thinking about something. She touched me, the lady who brushed my hair, after she was done. She touched me here, just behind my ear, with two of her fingers. What I mean to say is, well, it felt extra. Like she didn’t have to. Like she didn’t have to but she did. It’s just that I’ve been thinking about that.

6

With M back, the days were made into hours again, into minutes. There was just enough time in the morning to run to the store and do the shopping while M and E and B slept. Just enough, if I did everything right and didn’t take too long deciding.