But I’m trying to say that I felt it then, a hesitation. I want you to understand that I reached out to M. That I put my hand on his shoulder. That I rested my hand there long enough for me to have leant over and whispered into his ear, Let’s not go, let’s not.

And I almost did, say it I mean. M, Let’s not.

See? I almost stopped it, everything.

When I looked up, I saw Nell sitting also at a table next to mine and she was holding her baby and drinking juice and I saw that her arms had burns all over them and I looked down and saw that I was also covered. That all the tables were filled with injured mothers drinking juice and faintly smoking, faintly disappearing into the air. Once we had a party or, wait, let me tell you once about a fire, please don’t go and leave me with all these words sitting in my mouth. They’re burning my lips.