I wouldn’t eat unless I received a text from him, because trying to find hunger in the absence of communication was impossible. My shoulders became sharp and angular. We moved in together three months after we met, because it hurt to be apart.

I KNEW I HAD TO LEAVE the bar when I ran out of money and didn’t have the wherewithal to have an incoherent talk with a man who had been here for hours, in hopes that he’d buy me more.

I went outside and stared at the bright blue of dusk. The moon was already steady above me.

When I got home from the bar, Bobby wasn’t home. I called my mother and told her I wanted to separate. I wasn’t drunk exactly, but I had a little more courage.

At first, she was very quiet, and then she said, “Have you tried everything?”

I had never heard her voice sound so flat. She had been angry with me many times before, even hurt. But this was different. This was defeat. Or maybe I was the one conveying defeat and she was just trying to be supportive. She wanted me to list the things I had tried, so she—a woman who had been married for forty-five years—could gauge if I had done enough. Or if I could be convinced to go in for another round. She wanted to be my coach, I could tell.

Leaving a marriage was serious, she told me. Was I even sure?

My mother wanted to know what I thought I was looking for. That was always the question. What did I think I was looking for? What did I want? Whether it was hurtled at me during a fight with Bobby, or asked of me by someone whose life wasn’t defined by the answer, at thirty-seven years old I still couldn’t say. The question always felt like an indictment, as in What do you even want? I knew what I didn’t want, but that wasn’t the same thing at all.

13.

Even though I was anxious about helping Daphne die, I still wasn’t ready to tell Bobby the full truth of what I was doing. It felt like it belonged to a new part of my life and I wanted it to be just mine.

I saw Bethanny’s name flash on my phone, and I went to the bathroom to pick it up. She told me Lorraine had to cover a client who needed more support than their current exit guide could supply.

“I can wait for Lorraine to finish if Daphne can,” I said.

“Daphne doesn’t want to wait. She asked for someone else to take over so she can stay on schedule.”

“Okay,” I said.