At first, I thought it made me uneasy that we were getting paid to be exit guides, but Bethanny told us it was labor and we were performing a service. Our clients understood this, and no one had ever complained. She didn’t tell us what the breakdown was—what she got. But, judging by her general demeanor, I assumed it was fair.

I went to take a shower and thought about Nathan’s hands on me.

6.

Bethanny said it was important for us to take a break between our second and third sessions, because that was when things got really intense. She wanted us to spend two weeks feeling our feelings and to write down anything that came up for us around what it might feel like to face death ourselves. But I wasn’t afraid of dying. What I was afraid of was having everyone I loved die and being left behind.

When Bethanny called on us to summarize our deepest fears around death during our third session, I said just that.

She nodded and said, “Pain avoidance.”

No one seemed to judge me for it, though. They all had their own issues—not having enough time to say goodbye to their loved ones, dying in a horrible accident, suffering unnecessarily. We all nodded at each new vocalized fear, so that everyone could feel supported, and some people even murmured, “Thank you.”

When we took a break, I stared at my phone and the lack of text messages from Bobby and killed time listening to everyone else relate to one another. It was easier for me just to stare down at my shoes and fixate on how scuffed they were than to try to find something nice to say about someone else’s worst fears. I didn’t trust people who were instantly warm.

After Bethanny told us to take our seats, she went from row to row, handing out packets. She said this was the practical-application part of the course, and it would likely take the rest of our six-hour session to get through it.

“This is one of the first things you’ll do with the client as they prepare for self-deliverance.”

She smiled as she handed out the packets.

“You’d be amazed how many people don’t do this for themselves.”

The packet reached me, and I pulled out its contents. On top was a health directive to fill out.

“We’re going to do it for ourselves now.”