Sitting across from Daniel made me feel like I had learned nothing at all. Because his answers mirrored my own, and mirrored the way I moved through the world, I wanted to be close to him. But I knew how both of us would react.

He walked over to the kitchen as I stared down at my binder of questions. I was standing between him and an end goal, and I could withhold it for however long I wanted.

He walked over with a glass of water and lingered to look at the questions I had open.

“When are you going to ask me that one?” He pointed down at “How do you avoid pain?”

“I’m supposed to build up to that one.”

“I’m ready for it.”

“I have to ask it over and over again for five minutes.”

He nodded.

“Are you sure?”

“Is it any more difficult to ask than what day you’d want to live over again?”

“Is it?”

“No. Each one brings a flood of memories I don’t want to deal with, so just fucking do it. We’re in it already.”

“Fine.”

Daniel sat down again near me, and we looked at each other briefly. I looked back down at my binder and flipped pages.

“We have to face each other to do this.”

“So face me,” he said. My skin began tingling.

“How do you avoid pain, Daniel?”

“Physical or emotional?”

“I didn’t specify.”

He looked around the room and nodded.

“Ask me again.”

“How do you avoid pain?”

“Alcohol.”

“How do you avoid pain?”

“Adderall.”

“How do you avoid pain?”

“Fucking.”

“How do you avoid pain?”

“I inflict it on other people.”

“How do you avoid pain?”

“I find ways to be alone so I don’t have to be emotionally connected to anyone.”

“How do you avoid pain?”

“I look for people who are better at living with their pain than I am and I have sex with them, so for a brief moment I don’t have to think about my own. And I feel stronger than them when I leave.”

I don’t remember what he said after that.

I leaned over to kiss him and he pulled me on top of his lap. I pulled my skirt up as I crawled onto him.

“I’m not sure it’ll work.”

“What?”

“I’m on a lot of medication, and I haven’t done this in a long time.”

“It feels hard.”

“It might not last.”

I kissed him again and said, “I don’t care.”