His eyes go distant as he nods. “My father said the same in the infirmary. The Regents have called a meeting. My dad is going to take another day to recover, then fly up to the Northern Chapter to speak with them and the other Viceroys.” I watch him pick at the gold anchors embroidered on the comforter, almost like he needs to do something to keep his hands busy.

“Sel’s in charge while he’s gone, William said.”

“Unfortunately.”

After Nick had been recovered alive, but injured, Sel took him straight to the Lodge. The long walk back through the woods had given me a lot of time to think about my “mission” here, and the danger it was putting both me and Nick in. With every step, guilt dropped into my body, one heavy brick at a time.

Sel may be terrifying and cruel, but he’s the only reason the Shadowborn’s plan to kidnap Nick failed tonight. Sel’s role as Kingsmage is more critical than ever right now, and his suspicions of me are taking his attention from his job. It’s worse, too, because those suspicions are unfounded. He’s wasting energy on me when, after tonight, there’s no doubt that Nick’s life is in danger. The Order is an army, and the Legendborn are its soldiers. Could I really keep going in the tournament and become William’s or Pete’s or even Nick’s Squire if my only intention is to gain the title so that I can find out what happened to my mother?

This afternoon with Patricia, finding the truth had felt like the most important thing in the world. Important enough to lie to my father, lie to Alice, and lie to everyone at the Lodge every time I showed my face. My mission still feels important and necessary, because how can I rest knowing that someone may have taken my mother away from me? That it might not have been an accident at all.

But whether or not Camlann arrives, and whether or not someone in the Order killed my mother, Nick needs a real Squire, not a fraud.

For the first time, I wonder if maybe Sel’s right and I am born of shadows. Or maybe those shadows aren’t who I am, but I keep finding my way to them anyway.

Nick huffs. “Earth to Bree? You’re just standing there, zoning out. It’s making me anxious.” He pats his bed, and his eyes hold a hint of their old mirth. “You can sit down, you know. I won’t bite.”

I stare at him then, really stare at him. Someone I care about is alive but hurt. Someone I like very much is right here in front of me, asking me to sit with him. It dawns on me that if I ignore that or forget how important that is, then I truly will make the shadows my home.