I was already living with Xander, but we hadn’t started dating yet. Upon moving in together, he knew I was fucked up. He knew there was shit swimming in my mind that I wouldn’t talk about that haunted me. He knew I left almost nightly. He asked about it for a while, but quickly realized I wasn’t giving anything away.

It was shortly after we started dating that I stopped frequenting the field. Not because I had gotten over it or because the gaping hole in my chest felt any better, but because I felt guilty. I spent my entire relationship with Xander longing for another man. Hundreds of nights lying next to one man, closing my eyes and pretending it was another. I’m ashamed of how often I would be inside Xander, only to come with Stone’s face behind my closed eyelids. We were together for years, and not one single day of our time together did I not miss Stone. I had to grieve for someone who wasn’t even dead. But that’s another thing… he left me with nothing. No note, no text, no goodbye. For all I knew, he very well could have been dead. The unknown tormented me.

Regardless, it wasn’t fair to Xander. He never said anything, but I think he knew my heart wasn’t there. Knew my soul belonged to someone else. You could see it in his eyes when he’d try to talk about feelings and I’d zone out. I’m honestly surprised he stayed with me as long as he did. I think it was a convenience thing more than anything, though. We lived together, and we were friends. Hanging out with each other wasn’t unbearable. Still… four and a half years is a long fucking time to stay with someone you see no future with.

Fuck, I’m a dick.

I’d like to think it all worked out for the better, though. He and I don’t talk at all anymore. We haven’t since I moved to Texas. But he does still talk to Kylie on occasion, and she says that he’s in a relationship and seems happy, so that’s good.

I’m staying in tonight, packing and getting everything ready for the airport. My flight is at four in the morning, so I don’t anticipate getting much sleep. My body is thrumming with excitement, knowing that I’m so close to seeing Stone, and Houston, and meeting little wrinkly Whitney.