“Not in a million years.” I laughed, and her face fell. I pulled her to me in a tight hug. “I’m not laughing at you, Sav. Just the situation. I’m the last person to ever judge someone for loving more than one soul. I’m happy for you, happy you’ve been lucky enough to find more than one love.”

Eyes brimming with emotion, she leaned forward and kissed me.

I was happy. Because she wasn’t the only lucky one. Somehow, in this nightmare I found myself in, I had discovered what I had been searching for my entire life.

I had unearthed something special in myself when I kissed James for the first time, and I had found special again in Savannah. I liked women, and I liked men. I liked people for who they were underneath the skin, finding their brains more of a turn-on than anything else. I wasn’t sure if that made me gay, or bisexual, or some other term I had yet to discover. I wasn’t sure if it mattered. Because at the end of the day I was happy. I was in love. I was a part of something bigger than myself. I was a part of something more.

18. Savannah

The longer I was trapped in the house, the more desperate I grew for a couple of things.
First, I wanted to find a way out. I was confident we were missing something. Some kind of loophole that just wasn’t standing out to us, or some obscure piece of the puzzle we still hadn’t figured out. Maybe we were looking too hard in the wrong places. A part of me wondered if I was sabotaging myself, wanting to stay locked in my bubble away from reality forever. Could it really be that bad? My three guys and myself, and no real life to get in the way. Couldn’t that be the dream? Besides, the house was less viscerally scary and more mentally intimidating. A lifetime with the same people, the same room, and the same thoughts was enough to drive anyone insane.

I knew I was only fooling myself though. I wanted to get out. I needed to get out. Extreme isolation had taken a toll on each man, and threatened to rob me of parts of myself as well. I had already lost enough. Most importantly? I craved a goddamn cheeseburger like nobody’s business. My stomach longed to be stuffed full of the thickest, greasiest burgers I could think of. Sometimes I pined away in bed, dreaming about how the patty would barely fit between the buns, cheese melting over the top of it. The smell would waft through the air, and the crunch of the lightly toasted bread as I bit into it. Hunger pangs didn’t exist for us here, but the cheeseburger dreams threatened my sanity.