“Well, I guess I’m a little angry too,” he said, grimacing. “I mean, how, how can a person go kaput just like that? Decide all of a sudden to end his life?” he protested weakly. “I don’t even know if I’m angry. I just don’t understand.”

“It’s pretty obvious to me.”

“I know the debts weighed heavy on him, but …”

“The debts were just an excuse.”

“What are you talking about?”

“The debts weren’t the reason.”

Grandpa hesitated, as if wondering whether he really wanted to ask.

“So why, Yuli? Why would a person do such a thing?”

“Because he had enough,” I replied. “He was sick of it all. Tired of living. He was like Mom, thinking only of himself.”

I saw how my words physically pained him. He regretted having asked.

“Tell me, you actually believe that nonsense?”

“What can I do,” I said. “It’s the truth.”

“Enough, Yuli. Enough. How can you even say such a thing?” he said in a stifled voice. “Your dad had debts. He needed—”

“We would have managed. You know perfectly well we would have. It was just the easy way out.”

Grandpa put his hand on his forehead and shook his head. “You don’t understand, Yuli. You’re a smart boy, but there are things you just don’t understand.”

My dizziness only got worse. I tried closing my eyes, but it didn’t help.

“You did smoke a cigarette once,” Grandpa said, “I know you did.”

“Do I look like a smoker?” I asked him. “The smell alone gives me a headache.”

“You tried it at least once, I know that much.”

“You caught me,” I said. “Lucky guess.”

Grandpa leaned in closer.

“It’s no guess,” he said. “Your dad told me.”

I looked out at the sky. The noise of the cars down on the street was driving me crazy.

“How could he have told you, he didn’t even know about it. It was in the army.”

“I’m telling you he knew, Yuli.” His words were strained. “He saw it with his own eyes.”

Two cars started honking down below. The noise was unbearable.

“Grandpa, cut the crap, okay? It’s not cool.”

“It was the night you came back from Lebanon, Yuli. I know.”

I jumped up from my chair. I thought I was becoming paranoid. That I was starting to hear things.

“He was there. He drove up north two days after the war broke out. He rented a room at some kibbutz there.”

“You’ve really lost your marbles, huh?” I growled. “Enough, I don’t want to hear any more of this bullshit. And it isn’t like you to pull stupid pranks on me. Leave me alone now.”