Looking back, that was one of the sickest things they did. They made it seem like reaching out to anybody was the most dangerous thing we could do. That habit stuck. To this day, whenever I think about talking to somebody about something that’s happening with me, I’m always making a mental list of the punishments I could get later.

And of the things they’d think about me.

I know they won’t happen. I’ve done plenty of work on convincing myself that those things are just intrusive thoughts. They’re not real anymore.

I think about them anyway, but they linger back in. That’s why I needed to find her. My head is split and and sometimes I just can’t think right. She gets it though. She was there. She knows.

I spent too long in a place where everything was controlled down to the minute and where that damn schedule would always be used against me. It’s probably not a surprise that after I got out, I didn’t want anything to do with a schedule. I didn’t want to have to be anywhere at somebody else’s beck and call. I skipped appointments and stood up what few friends I had left and fucked off for days at a time just because I could. And because it was better to be alone.

All that focus on the schedule backfired, obviously. What did that school claim it would do? Straighten us out. Make us productive citizens. Make us listen to our parents and get good grades and never cause any problems for the rest of our lives.

That’s not what it did to me. I was angry, even if half the time I couldn’t feel it. What made me most angry was somebody else deciding where I should go and when I should be there.

It took a long time to come around to the idea of having a job. Mechanics though… I’ve always found peace in that.

Found out I was good at it, too. After a couple of years of classes, I applied for a job at the garage next to my house. Spent a year working part time, then moved to full-time.

I keep to myself. I do my job.

Plus, the guys at the shop get it. It’s not like I had a heart-to-heart with them about my past. I can’t remember telling my boss, Rick, any specifics. Maybe he guessed somehow. Maybe there was something about me that gave it away.

But they let me be. They give me my space. And they treat me like anyone else: a human being.