There’s nothing to bring up. The feelings are always there. The memories too. I bury the screams deep inside—the feel of the rough concrete floor, the knowledge that I’d never get out, that I’d die in that place, and they’d bury my body in an unmarked grave in the yard. I knew it was hopeless. I knew nothing would ever change. I buried those feelings too. It’s not the news that makes them come back. They’re always with me.

I make a sound and shrug. My dad can take it to mean whatever he wants.

“Did you tell your therapist?” he asks, sounding even more gruff. “Are you still going?”

I don’t want to talk about any of this with my dad.

“They just gave me meds and they’re working,” I tell him. “Let it be, Dad. I’m alright.”

He nods, then takes another drink of his beer. I can tell the can’s empty from the hollow sound. He rests it on his thigh, tapping it a few times like that might make it fill itself up again. In a few minutes, he’ll get up and get another can from the fridge. I hope he’s lost interest in this conversation by then. If he hasn’t, I’ll think of some excuse and head out.

My dad shifts in his chair again. Guess he hasn’t lost interest.

“What’s your girlfriend say about it?” He sounds fake when he tries to be casual. “What’s her name again?”

He glances at me, smiling, trying to get the two of us to be buddies. I prefer this. In a lot of ways it’s a second chance.

I smile back at him. “Which one?” I say it like it’s a joke.

The fond expression on his face is real. So is the laugh he lets out.

“You’re a smart-ass, Dean,” he says, and goes back to watching the game. “Love you kid. If you ever need to talk, you know I’m here.” He says and then that old chair creaks as he gets up.

“I know Dad,” I tell him and turn back to the TV, trying to forget like I do far too fucking often.

DEAN

10 years ago

We’re never alone in this school. Should I even call it a school? It’s a hellhole. Hell on earth. The worst place imaginable for the worst people imaginable. Like me… but they’re worse.

I always thought that was supposed to be prison, before this. I knew people went to prison. I knew they got arrested and thrown behind bars and treated like shit.

But it’s not really about laws or breaking rules in this place. It’s not about being such a bad kid that our parents gave up on us.

It’s not about anything but sick fucks getting off on ruining our lives.