Whether she wants to be out here is another story, but truthfully, we both know she’s got nothing to lose. It may sound cruel, but you don’t have to worry about your friends looking or acting differently around you when you don’t have any friends. You certainly don’t have to worry anyone’s gonna think you’re checking them out in the locker room when you have the space all to yourself for every single practice and game. As for her position on the team, if this were any threat to her there, she never would’ve made it this far.

It’s tempting, the idea of bringing the date I actually want to homecoming, to get to sit with her at lunch and openly flirt with her in the halls and cheer my little ass off for her on the field and post selfies of us being queer and adorable. But is that really what it would be like? Would I still get to cheer for her if the girls decided they weren’t comfortable having me in the locker room or stopped inviting me to victory parties and things like Midnight Breakfast, where she was never truly welcome?

It isn’t just the cheering part I’d be giving up if this got me booted off the squad. It’s watching Disney movies at Cara’s house (and pretending it’s a hardship even though I could watch The Little Mermaid a million times and never get tired of it) and Squad Saturdays at Diana’s pool and blissful summers at cheer camp and stupid games of Truth or Dare and Never Have I Ever on bus rides and that glow that comes with having a great pep rally and the possibility of ever getting that C on my sweater, of getting to stand in front of a massive crowd and yell “Ready, steady, go!” and seeing everyone fall in line.

My best chance at being a leader at cheer camp next summer.

Which means my best chance of doing this at the collegiate level.

And most importantly: my best chance at freedom.

Everything I’ve been dreaming of, just … gone.

Stop making issues where there aren’t any, I order myself, freshening up my lip gloss in my locker mirror then handing the tube to Cara so she can do the same. You’re on the same page. You both want this to stay in the dark. So it will.

Out of the corner of my eye I see a bunch of the football guys turning the corner, laughing at one another’s pajamas and playing keep-away with Lamar’s ridiculous nightcap. Miguel is right in the middle, wearing a pair of basketball shorts I know he doesn’t sleep in, because his room has lousy air-conditioning and his nighttime attire is at most a pair of boxers.