“Wicked Queen, huh? I like that.” He gave me a deeper kiss, sliding his tongue into my mouth. It was a massive turn-on that he would kiss me after I’d gone down on him.

“You just witnessed the last time I had sex,” I said softly.

“Why was that the last time?”

His expression was open and free of judgment. I could see in his eyes that he was asking because he cared, so I tried my best to explain. “I’d never had sex on camera before and was feeling vulnerable and exposed afterward. Reaper wasn’t as supportive as he should’ve been and it spiraled into a messy fight about the real things that were bothering me. It ended with us breaking up. He was just starting to escort and wouldn’t communicate with me about what he was doing and whether he was being safe about it. Looking back, I think he was just done with the relationship and pushing me away. I stuck around and tortured myself for a while.”

Alex stroked my back comfortingly, but kept listening.

“I went through a rough patch after that as I tried to get my boundaries and priorities straight. I missed submitting to someone, but didn’t ever want to be that vulnerable again. I felt like if I didn’t keep something for me, something that I wouldn’t do casually and wouldn’t do because someone was paying me, then none of it would mean anything ever again. It’s kind of a bullshit limit. With women, it only means I won’t let them put a strap-on in there, which who cares? What’s the difference between a finger and a dick?”

“If there’s a difference for you and it lets you have a boundary, then it doesn’t matter how arbitrary it is. I’m glad you’ve got a limit that lets you feel in control.”

I hesitated, unsure whether I would regret what I was about to say, and then decided it didn’t matter. “I want it with you. But this is a business arrangement and I don’t know how I would feel afterwards, once the dust settles and the lust has cooled, would I be left with fond memories or shame?”

He looked thoughtful, like he was weighing his words carefully. “To be clear, I want it too. But I don’t ever want to do something you’ll regret. It’s not worth it if this is a business arrangement to you and it’s coming to an end.”

It wasn’t until much later that I caught the “if” in what he had said. Was it an accident or had he been looking for me to catch it?

39

Elena

Alex and I had another quiet day at his place, working through his scenes and falling into an easy intimacy.

When he worked out, I settled in to reread the screenplay I’d picked up the day his family had come over for dinner. It was truly an extraordinary piece of writing, pulling the original Pride and Prejudice story into a darker, futuristic setting with a tighter focus on the relationship between Lizzy and Darcy. I didn’t bother repeating that he was an idiot for not doing it, but I did make him read some of the lines aloud to me, which quickly devolved into us naked in bed.