“No wonder you look so dazed. That woman you’re living with is bland beyond. Not a creative bone in her body.” Gloria rolled her eyes again, but not in a nice way this time. “When I get out, we’ll spend time together. You won’t fritter away another second of your life being bored. I can promise you that. We’ll do things we used to do. Me and you.”

Gloria spun the ashtray around. There was white coating on the inside and some of it flew out on the table. I could smell the dirt.

“Bids?”

“Mm?”

“You know it was just a terrible, regretful accident, right? My heart is just broken. Completely broken. And I’m paying the price, aren’t I? I mean, look at me.” She grabbed her hair and patted her dusty cheeks. “I’m paying for everyone’s guilt. Yours included. The entire damn community’s, if you ask me. Everyone let me down.”

My heart was hammering on my throat. I tried to remember my lungs. They were squeezed up. But not with sadness this time. There was something else there. Hot and stuck and twisting up through my middle. Like one of Chicken’s burrs.

A bell rang and all the ladies stood up. I stood up, too.

“I’m allowed a hug, you know.”

She pulled me into her arms. “I’ll always be your mother, darling. And you’ll always be my daughter.” Her clothes were stiff, and she squeezed me hard. “Tell me you love me best.”

I love you best. I love you best.

“Let me hear you say it, Bids.”

I opened my mouth. The words were right there, spinning around in my head, ready to gush out. But when I listened close, like Dr. Westerly taught me, I knew they didn’t sound like me. I knew those words weren’t mine.

—

Most nights I dreamt about Rowan falling in the water, but after I went to visit jail, I dreamt about Gloria. I watched her tumbling into a lake, and she made a huge splash. I peeked over and saw her sinking and sinking. Her white face and white hands turned the sick color of weeds as she went down. She was looking at me and bubbles zipped up from nowhere. I jumped and swam to her. I tugged at her clothes and her hair to turn her around. She hugged me around my middle and squeezed me while my legs kicked and my hands scooped. I tried hard, but I couldn’t swim through the water. Then I felt it. She was so heavy. And I wasn’t going higher up, I was going down. I wriggled free and floated to the surface. Two arms reached out for me. I saw a perfect island spot. They were Rowan’s arms, and they grabbed my wrists and pulled me into the boat.