I was quick to blame Tits, a beautiful, blonde ex-cheerleader who went to great lengths to embody every stereotype in place about her appearance. She had come up to me as I walked past her room the previous evening and, bubbling over with excitement, exclaimed that she had just got her hands on ‘Britney’s new CD!’ I’d stared at her blankly, not even registering until hours later that she had expected me to be thrilled.

But there was something about her that spoke of a hidden intelligence, some mean brightness in her eyes. I had heard her talking to Anna Marie, a smaller, shinier version of her, over the sound of running water in the girls’ bathroom.

‘I think Kevin’s not talking to me.’

‘Oh my God, really? Why?’

‘I don’t even know. He’s been weird since, like, last night.’

‘Why, what did you guys do last night?’

‘Nothing! He had Calc homework to turn in, so I helped him with it, and then we went to bed. That’s it—that’s all we did. And now he’s being totally weird and, and, like, just not being him, you know?’

‘You helped him with his homework?’

‘Yeah. We covered that stuff in AP Calc senior year.’

‘Did you tell him that?’

‘I don’t know, maybe?’

‘Tits, you can’t let a boy think you’re smarter than him. It confuses them.’

‘Really?’

‘Totally.’

Perched on a toilet inside the last stall, I grimaced at the stench of their ideas and waited until they left to come out.

Hannah relaxed and smiled at me, obviously relieved. The blonde cheerleader was the socially birthed enemy of the mathlete from North Carolina. Tits laughing at her wasn’t any sort of betrayal for Hannah; it was only to be expected and disdained with a requisite snicker about stupidpretty girls. I pushed away the image of Nicole spraying the sleeping mound of her body with Febreze, while an onlooking crowd laughed quietly. Then I squeezed her arm, smiled and asked her where she wanted to get dinner.

‘Panera. So it’s just Tits, then?’

I nodded. She had to have known that her roommate and friends were in on the slanderfest too, but I’m pretty sure that she wanted to believe my lie as much as I wanted her to.

Now Nicole harrumphed and threw aside The Criminal Mind. I knew that while the others bayed for social roadkill, Nicole was genuinely affected by the situation. After all, she was the one who had to live with Hannah, the room pungent with BO and resentment. Her aggravation manifested itself in frequent gloomy spurts, and this was one of them.