Crack the Spine

March 2014

The next day, I forced myself to wake up earlier than usual so I would be the first one in the offi ce, and asked DK for an indefinite amount of time off. I phrased it as a request and not the resignation that it really was.

‘Why?’

‘I have to leave the country for a while.’

‘I see. And where are you going?’

‘Um, Germany. A friend needs me.’

She looked at me for a moment, then burst out laughing. She sat down, took her glasses off and rubbed the corner of an eye. Shaking her head, she put her glasses back on and, amusement still glowing on her face, said, ‘Man, you rich kids are really consistent, I have to give you that. Go, go. Just be careful. You’re a sweet girl, but I’ve seen a hundred of you walk in and out of my doors, and all of you think you’re so silly, so crazy, so beautifully broken and that this—your lack of purpose and discipline—you all think it’s some vitally important thing. You want these jobs to serve as playthings and distractions, and I have to, I mean, I’m forced to give them to you because on paper—’ She stopped, all traces of amusement replaced by anger. ‘You all think it’s something beyond the fact that you have never known a true worry. Have you? Have you ever known a true worry?’

I shook my head, because what else was I supposed to do? DK continued to stare me down, but her sharp eyes were more than just angry. To this date, I can’t be certain, but every time I think back upon the scene, I seem to remember a shade of pity tinting them. Finally, she sighed and looked back down at her iPad, reaching for her glasses.

‘You’ll get half this month’s pay. Go. Be careful. Try not to entertain yourself into an early grave.’

By the time I touched down in Berlin, the windowpanes had already turned that lavender of first light, calming me, reminding me that morning breaks the same everywhere.

Jay met me at the airport and we stepped straight into a winter storm. Sharp icicles of wind pierced our cheeks, making them feel soft, making us ‘feel alive, Tara. Isn’t it really something—the way the deadness of a snowy winter makes your blood rush around so?’

As we waited for a taxi, I started to lean against his parchment frame for warmth, ignoring the warning signs because I didn’t have the energy to confront them.