I dropped to my knees as I gazed upon his land, indulging in my memories. There was a time I wanted to forget everything to do with him, and now I pressed each remembrance close to my heart, even those that wounded me—because they were all I had left. I had thought I hated him, eager to tear him from my life, unaware that the roots of my feelings went deeper than I knew. Each time he had fought to recover what he’d so recklessly destroyed, I had shoved him away, too afraid to examine the feelings he roused in me.

“I am sorry,” I said aloud. I was forever apologizing these days. “I was too proud and stubborn to realize what I felt, to understand what you tried to tell me before. I loved you then … and I miss you still.”

Clasping my hands before me, I pressed my forehead to the prickling sands. A crisp breeze blew over me, laced with the faintest scent of pine, so familiar and dear—the ache in my chest tightened until I could not breathe. Closing my eyes, I lifted my face to the wind, breathing it in until the clawing pain subsided, whispering of broken dreams and hopes, those that would never come to pass—and I imagined wherever he was, he heard me.

Such fairy tales, I told myself then.

Chapter 38

I no longer counted the times I returned to the Cloud Wall border; it had become a ritual without which I felt lost. This place I had once despised was now the only balm to my grief, though not without pain of its own—to sense a wisp of Wenzhi’s spirit, forever beyond my reach. Perhaps I was being cruel to myself; it would be a kindness to forget … but I would not let his memory fade.

The wind rolled in fierce gusts today, roiling with unrest. Magic flowed from my fingertips to steady the cloud I rode upon. Strange weather in our realm, unease churning in my stomach since I had left the moon this morning. Ahead, the Golden Desert appeared leeched of color, tinted with ash beneath the darkening skies. It would have been prudent to turn back, yet impatience spurred me onward. No enemy could be worse than those I had faced, nor those that lurked in my mind.

Leaping down, I strode toward the clouds ahead. My insides clenched as I lifted my chin, bracing for the rush of memories, the braided comfort and torment that had drawn me back each time like an invisible cord wrapped around my heart.

There was nothing.