And I could embrace her advice and learn from my grandfather. Or I could head out into an uncertain world, looking for strangers to give me the redemption I sought.

Perhaps my redemption was right here at home.

If I had the courage to stay.

Because Mrs. Swanson had been right about that too. I’d convinced myself I was being brave and honorable. But partly, at least, it was really that I was a coward. Terrified to love. Terrified to go all in and have it taken from me like it had been before, or so I’d thought.

Emily was the one who’d been brave. And I’d let her walk away. I’d seen the look in her eyes, and I’d known that she’d been waiting for me to decide to lay my heart on the line…or not.

I swore under my breath. I’d let her down. I’d let myself down.

And now, maybe she’d found not only safety in San Diego, but purpose and friendship. She was back among the people who’d once called her Nova. Maybe she’d remember who she’d been and who she wanted to attempt to be again—whatever that looked like now—and my chance had come and gone.

She’d be home once it was safe to travel to visit her parents, whether or not that was years away. But even if I stayed here in the San Fernando Valley, rebuilding what we could, would Emily want to stay?

Our moment had passed.

My stomach roiled. I felt sick. I hadn’t fought for her. I hadn’t responded to her attempts to break through to me, just like I’d done after my mother died. Again, I’d shut her out. I’d wanted to suffer, and so emotionally, I’d pushed her away. But in pushing her away, I’d hurt us both. What I should have said at that border near LA when we’d said a teary goodbye was, Fuck no, you’re not leaving with them. You’re coming with me. We’ll find our own safety, wherever that is.

I walked the short distance to the old barn and pulled open the door. The squeak that emerged from the rusty hinges was familiar and for a moment, I felt like a kid, a head full of dreams and a heart brimming with hope.

Mr. Swanson’s car had been pulled in here and the past and the present collided once again, the ringing of Emily’s laughter echoing in my head. My heart. Emily.

I closed my eyes, grimacing as though I’d been hit. I felt like I had. Picturing her as we’d said goodbye still felt like a physical blow.