I clamber up and stand on the thwart. There are a few boats on their way across the fjord, it’s possible that someone might hear us. I wave my arms and call out to them.

‘Come and help me shout,’ I say.

‘You’re not supposed to stand up like that in the boat,’ Marthe says.

‘I’m giving you permission,’ I tell Olea, and she climbs up beside me and joins in, shouting hello! at the top of her lungs. Marthe watches us and rolls her eyes, but Kristoffer starts bellowing too, and it doesn’t take long for a fishing boat to turn around not far from us and chug in our direction, 81we all cheer. Drizzle has started to fall, tiny holes in the surface of the water.

‘Are you having some trouble here?’ the man on the fishing boat asks as he manoeuvres his boat up beside us.

‘Somebody forgot to fuel up,’ I say.

‘Not a clever move,’ the man says, laughing.

‘No, it’s not,’ I say, I laugh too and Olea joins in.

Marthe tries smiling, her face is dark. She’s taken a seat at the front of the boat, tells Kristoffer that he can take over. The man in the fishing boat gives us some petrol, Stein offers him money but he won’t hear of it. He waits for Kristoffer to start the engine and gives him a thumbs up.

‘Mind you don’t forget the reserve next time,’ he shouts over to Marthe as the boats glide off in their different directions, and Marthe forces a smile.

Once we’ve docked, she tells us she’s feeling queasy in an anguished tone, asks Kristoffer and Stein to help her back onto land.

‘You don’t look too well,’ Mum says. ‘Maybe you should have a lie-down.’

‘Yes, I think so,’ Marthe agrees, swaying from side to side as she massages her lower back.

My legs are steady even though I feel cold after our trip out. It feels like I’ve won something. But as Kristoffer strokes Marthe’s hair and Mum wraps an arm around her waist, I become withered and wizened once again, I stand with the mooring line in hand, ready to moor up, to tie a first-rate knot that nobody will see, I want to throw the line to her instead, at her; this was all her fault, after all.

83

Chapter 12

I lie in my room reading a magazine, I’m waiting for the doctor to call me, I want to book my train to Gothenburg, to make a hotel reservation, to decide when I should start hormone treatment, I want to get things moving. The day will come that I have a boyfriend, a day when everything can begin.