When I sleep with someone, on the rare occasion that I do, I’m like a hungry dog; I undress hurriedly, want the whole lot in one bite, chin chafing against stubble, tongue at throat, hard fingers inside me, smooth skin, the warmth, I want to wrap myself up in all that skin. Afterwards, I inch my way towards them and ask them to hold me, drape a heavy arm around me as I prepare to sleep, but they don’t want to, they only want to sleep, and I can’t help but ask, beg. One doesn’t even want to lie in the bed with me afterwards, instead running to the bathroom two seconds after coming then sitting on the living room sofa half-dressed, waiting for me to get dressed and leave, even though his girlfriend is away for the weekend. I try making things better for myself, ask him sympathetically if he’s feeling paranoid, maybe it was a step too far, yes, that’s it, he says, 60and I don’t believe him, but I can go along with it, I even give him a reassuring hug before allowing myself to be sent packing, straight out of the front door, tripping onto the pavement in the middle of the night to find myself a taxi home. Another one grunts quietly, good-naturedly, as I do my best to sidle up as close to him as possible, God, give a man a break, and pressed up against my bum I feel his penis shrink, and I can’t sleep, the air has that same staleness to it that it always does after people have been fucking, and I get up because I need to shit. I sit in the bathroom for a long while, my arse stinging and my armpits pungent with the smell of sweat, my pussy sticky and sore and with that horrible whiff of rubber and dried-up desire; I glance inside the bin where he’s tossed two condoms, each tied in a knot, I see some blood on one and think that it’s too early for that, and I shower and return to bed clean and warm, move my damp underwear and the empty condom box from where they’ve been left on the bed, then lie down beside him, in the warmth, take his arm and wrap it around me again, now I can sleep, and he snores in my ear and doesn’t wake and I lie there, unable to drift off.

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Chapter 8