I don’t make a conscious decision to go. It’s almost like I’ve been here before. My feet seem to know the way. They know they have to take me to the place where a whole family was destroyed so many years ago. I have to go to the place where Danny died.

5th June, 2019, later

Raynor Beach

He arrived at 1 a.m. I was standing in the kitchen, lit by the streetlight pouring through the window, waiting to let him in through the back door. He kicked off his shoes outside and put plastic covers over his feet. He said it would be better for me, for both of us, if he didn’t leave any trace that he’d been in the house. The reality of him being there was overwhelming, his online avatar become flesh. He was like a miracle. I raised my finger to my lips, “Shhh.”

I showed him the three syringes I’d made up—stuffed full of the drugs she used on me. Ketamine, OxyContin, and sleeping pills, all crushed and mixed with water. I could draw a syringe with my eyes closed. I’d fixed the needles and pushed the air out of each one, the liquid inside rising like nectar at the end of the needle. In return, he showed me the ties for her arms, the gag. He smiled, and as they caught the light I saw how his teeth looked like they’d been filed to sharp points. Mum’s snores grew louder and he followed me down the hall.

We paused outside her door to check we were ready. His jaw was flexed, his eyes wide, already focused on what was behind the door. He licked his teeth as he pulled the hood of his coat over his head, carefully zipped it all the way, gloves already on. For the first time I realized this man who knew the secret of my life wasn’t the kindhearted person he made me believe he was. He had lied to me. He wasn’t here to atone for past crimes, he wasn’t interested in rehabilitation. I could feel the anger in him, the violence.

“Well, are we going to do this or not?” he whispered. His voice was light, a reminder that this wasn’t a big deal for him, like he wanted me to know he’d done much worse.

“We tie her up, we inject her, we take the money, we leave.” My voice was only just audible as I said the words I’d written to him again and again.

She didn’t stir until Tony was standing directly over her. He leaned down, grinning, inches from her face. She opened her mouth to scream but Tony was too quick. No sound came. He punched the gag into her mouth so deep she wouldn’t be able to cough it out. Her eyes bulged in panic, her limbs started to lash about. But Tony had already pulled her right arm hard above her head and using one of mum’s scarves tied it to the bed frame. I wanted to tell him to be gentler, but there was no time.