Andrew: Whoops autocorrect LOL. wanna “come” I meant. To the bar for a drink. I see your close by . . .

Before I can stop myself, I’ve copied the conversation to my clipboard. Then I return to messaging Jude. Handsome, hot, NORMAL Jude.

TheDuchessB: Sorry for the delay. REALLY sorry. I had to Ace someone. You will not believe what he just said to me.

Freelancer’s Handbook: Never bring up the other people you may be chatting with. No one wants to hear about the competition. Exceptions include: When the exchange is so batsh*t you need someone to laugh with you about it. Forming a conspiracy of mockery just might bond you together, “us against the world”–style.

GreatSc0t: Sometimes I think they should call it Mace. Can’t imagine what you ladies have to deal with out there.

TheDuchessB: Case in point . . .

I paste Andrew’s message into Jude’s window. Jude (understandably) needs a moment to absorb it.

GreatSc0t: Wow. On behalf of all men, I apologize. Not just for the creepy foot fetish, but the grammar.

TheDuchessB: Thank you! “An” have a “dink”? Should we assume “dinking” has long since begun?

GreatSc0t: YOUR offended me most, personally.

TheDuchessB: It’s a toss-up. I think before anyone’s allowed on a dating site, they should have to pass a basic grammar test.

GreatSc0t: Co-signed. And a breathalyzer.

TheDuchessB: Anyway, before we were so rudely interrupted, I was going to say I heard somewhere that when Blanca Hinley went over budget in the first half, they couldn’t afford the wave machine anymore, so it’s literally Mary Clarkson swaying back and forth in the scenes with King Oceano, who’s, you know, threatening to replace her legs with fins. Swaying back and forth was a 1000% price reduction from renting the wave machine.

GreatSc0t: Ha ha! I love behind-the-scenes info. Where’d you hear that?

TheDuchessB: Not sure, probably a con.

(Crap. It’s not common knowledge. Mary told me that in the midst of a rambling, regretful story while on day five of a bee-pollen-and-charcoal-lemonade fast. I should stop before this gets out of hand and he realizes I’ve only seen the movie at 123 percent speed. Keep things moving and snag the Hot Scot for an in-person assessment.)

TheDuchessB: Anyway, if you want to see the Chipmunk’d version for yourself, here’s the link. Though I hope you’ll at least keep my tab open while you watch . . .

GreatSc0t: I’ve bookmarked the link for later. Your tab has a better view.

TheDuchessB: Oh yeah? *bats eyelashes*

Before he calls BS on my Undersea bona fides, I make an impulsive decision.

TheDuchessB: What are you up to later?

A pause, while he checks his calendar. Or wants me to think he’s checking his calendar.

GreatSc0t: Working til 5:30.

TheDuchessB: Want to meet for coffee after work?