I back off and take some calming breaths. “Here’s what I think. It’s awesome you guys are feeling each other, it really is, but the worst thing you could do right now is get physical.” Why am I quoting Olivia Newton-John? Why are my friends so old? “You decided to use Sweet Nothings so you could have a different outcome, right? I wouldn’t be very good at my job if I didn’t at least try to help you stick to your plan. If you’re having fun tonight, you’ll have fun again another night, and another one, and each date after that, until it’s a meaningful situation, and, also, you know, it’ll be so much hotter and more satisfying after all that waiting and waiting, all that buildup rocketing through your bodies, it’ll be like . . .” I make an “explosion” noise, complete with hand movements, and I think I’m turning myself on, which is disturbing. I might even be panting. “And then if you want to”—I pause—“take it to the next level, I’ll be cheering for you every step of the way.” God, I sound creepy.

She blows a puff of air and slowly nods. “I guess you’re right.”

“Make an excuse, say good night, and leave him hungry for more. If he messages you later, I’ll handle it, okay? I’ll take it from here. You just go home and chill.”

She continues to nod. “Okay. Yeah. Thanks for looking out for me, Zoey.”

Bree smooths her hands down her thighs, straightening her pants, and reenters the restaurant.

I head home, my heart pounding a mile a minute.

CHAPTER 15

CHAPTER 15

MILES

Will the record please show that I never told Jude to say anything about farting? In fact, very little of that conversation actually turned out to be mine. Definitely not worth the price of admission—namely the 150 bucks I paid out of my own pocket for that headset.

It started out fine. I did feed him the line about the wine pairings, though he cleverly Scotified it by using the word “guddle.”

And then, before I knew it, he was talking about eye candy at the gym. “No, Jude,” I said. “We don’t want to talk about other attractive women . . .” but before I could tell him why, the two of them were off and talking about gas. As in passing it. Well, I guess that was one way to divert the conversation.

Apparently, the correct way because suddenly they are heavily making out in the middle of the restaurant and straight into my inner ear. I have to take my headphones off at one point because it’s like listening to a porn podcast.

That might have been a mistake because before I know it, Bree is flying past me and out of the restaurant.

Shit. How did things go downhill so fast?